Waste Not

Last night, I wasted my night.
And I cried.

Why do we do this? Why do we just stare into nothing? It’s easier to be so passive, to just get sucked into lame, unimportant things. Society is DESIGNED to be that way, to seduce, confuse, and distract us.

It is actually something we actively have to AVOID.

We must resist the media, the endless drama, the stuff that makes NO impact on our lives.

Spend your time ONLY on things you ADORE.

If you are online, read only the things you are wild about. The things that lift you up and PROPEL YOU OUT THE DOOR, or that WHISK YOU INTO A FRENZY TO CREATE, or that INSPIRE YOU TO BE AMAZING.

But actually GET UP and BE amazing. Don’t just click on the next link, the next channel.

Remember, we only get one life. Explore the earth, explore your mind, take care of yourself, so that you have the energy to LIVE.

I’m going to shut off my laptop unless I’m writing or Skyping, honestly. Or reading something important. Purging everything, now.

Wolf Rules

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

The Weirdness of Being Human

Sometimes, I find myself in weird situations.

Like anyone, I guess. But I want to put myself there.

Once in a while, you are just unsure, you know? You sort of want to do something, but aren’t sure you should, or maybe you feel like it’s wrong, or it seems uncouth or deviant or dangerous. Like, “How the hell did I get myself into this?”

When I get in these situations, now, I think to myself, “What is the point of being human, if not to experience things AS a human?”

We are pretty lucky. I mean, as a whole, the human species can be pretty fucking vile. We destroy everything. We cause so much suffering. We are also capable of so much tenderness, beauty, compassion.

When things seem black, I will sometimes feel shame at being human. But it is what I am, and it is what you are.

It baffles me so hard when people are reluctant to try new things. We need to push our comfort zones, always. Other creatures don’t get to do this! We have a privilege. Life is more than a butt on a couch or vanilla sex.

So next time you are in a strange situation, let it happen, and just think to yourself, “Being human is fucking weird, man.” And just go with it. Laugh at it. Sink into the moment. It can be anything from dealing with someone screaming at you in traffic, or gnawing on your nipple.

I mean, do you wanna die tomorrow not having known what it’s like to be in the jungle or screw in the rain? Do you want to see the vistas and valleys from the top of the mountains, or just watch it on tv while you scarf down soda and chips? Do you want a comfortable life, or an exciting adventure?

It’s fine if you want comfort, but when you’re feeble and dying, what will be the thing you look back on with glee and fondness? All your nights with your Xbox, or the time you followed your strange desires? The constant stream of facebook, or the times you pushed your boundaries?

If you do that more often, your life will seem so much richer, so that when you do just chill and rest, it will feel decadent instead of “wasting time.” It will be a decision and not stagnancy.

Go out and live. Do something wild. Be someone you’d be jealous of.

Passion Muses: Vali Myers

The biggest inspiration to me is Vali Myers, a fiery demon angel who covered the world in her goldleaf and fine ink, gypsy dancing and hordes of animals; a fox in human form.

“She was an Amazon. An indomitable creature, a stoic and spartan nomad soul. A primeval, telluric, pagan spirit.”
— Gianni Menichetti on Vali

She was born in the 30s in Australia, later working in factories to save money for dancing lessons. She left for Paris at 19 to pursue a dance career, ending up living on the streets of the Left Bank, a haze of opium and darkness, though she kept living through her drawings, eventually being exiled from France.

“We lived in the streets, in the cafes, like a pack of mongrel dogs. We had our very own codes. Students and people with jobs were kept out. As for the tourists who came around to gawk at “existentialists,” it was all right to con them. We always managed to have rough wine and hash from Algeria. We shared everything.”

She married a gypsy man named Rudi, went back to Paris, then left together to quit opium. They went walkabout through Europe, finding a small little house in the Italian valley of Positano, called Il Porto, and they lived there with a brood of animals, which grew larger every year – dogs and cats and foxes and goats and donkeys and a gaggle of others.

Then came a beautiful Italian boy named Gianni, who Vali took as her lover, she tattooed his forehead and her own face with curlicues and dots, a spirit moustache, and a paw print on Gianni’s third eye. A girl named Caroline lived in a cave nearby.

“She gave me my first tattoo in the first month I lived with her, a five-petaled flower around my navel. I find that a rather beautiful place. And from then on we began to tattoo each other, and a lot. I covered her feet and hands with a blue lace of tattoos. She did my right hand, and I did my left one. For me, that tattooing was my initiation, and a kind of spirit marriage. Indians believe that tattoos stay with you forever, because after death the soul still keeps them.”
— Gianni Menichetti

She lived as a recluse for 40 years, working on her drawings, caring for her menagerie, crawling over cliffs, adoring her pet fox, Foxy, walking to the city for dancing, then coming back in the morning, working on drawings by oil lamp until the sun came up. She would work on pieces for years, the finest ink work, a meditation, almost always including a doppelganger of herself.

❝I just draw – ever since I was a little girl. People always try to label it, but you can’t label this work, it’s original. It’s like asking why do you dance? You do it because you have the spirit inside you… If I didn’t draw I’d go mad. Artists are like shamans – they have that compulsion and nothing can stop them.”

She began selling her art in Europe and New York, moving into the Chelsea Hotel with many other famous artists of the 70s and 80s. But she always returned to her valley, where Gianni awaited, Rudi had become a drunk and taken leave, so it was just Vali and Gianni and the dogs and eels and all their other animal companions.

“When I feel joyous, I dance, and when I don’t, I draw. The feeling to draw is so strong, that if I had to go to prison, I’d see it as an opportunity to sit and create without any distraction.”

Later in her life, she moved back to Melbourne, Gianni staying in Il Porto to care for the animals. She was a spitfire until the end, she died at 72 in 2003.

“Let it all be animal, my life and death, hard and clean like that, anything but human… a lot I care, me with my red heart in the dark earth and my tattooed feet following the animal ways.”

“From the ice and the watery depths, Vali could turn in a moment to fire in her wild imagination. She loved Semiramis, the legendary queen of Assyria, who flung herself on a flaming pyre at the death of her favourite horse. She always yearned to belong to a tribe. She had such a strong instinct for sharing. But, being such an extraordinary individual, I always felt she belonged to a non-existent tribe, or to one that vanished a long time ago. She never belonged to her own time anyway. She would have loved to have lived in the very old pagan days, without man-made gods and just the religion of nature.”
— Gianni Menichetti on Vali

~~~

I feel such a strong connection to this woman – even our art style is similar. Her adoration of animals is parallel to my own, the way she lived in seclusion in nature with a sexy young man as her lover, her wild, barefooted dancing ways, her gypsy style, her tattoos and passion for living, her wanderlust, her disgust at typical life, that a regular job would be like a suicide, that she always longed for a tribe – so many things in common with her that how could I not be inspired and feel a kinship?

I re-read her biography when I went away on my trip, to be renewed by the way she lived, to remind me of how I had lost my damn way, how I had been swayed by bullshit, and to be brave, so brave, and only focus on what is really important to me, my lusts and passions and to never hold myself back, to rejoice in wild ways, for that is who I am, my soul is burning, as hers was, and I tattooed my love of her on my arm, to remind me: LIVE, damnit, so that when you die, you feel satiated.

This reminds me of me and my dog, so much.

“I’ve had 72 absolutely flaming years. It (the illness) doesn’t bother me at all, because, you know love, when you’ve lived like I have, you’ve done it all. I put all my effort into living; any dope can drop dead. I’m in the hospital now, and I guess I’ll kick the bucket here. Every beetle does it, every bird, everybody. You come into the world and then you go.”

~~~

More about Vali:

Vali Myers Art Gallery Trust

Witch of Positano tumblr

Gianni Menichetti

A more in-depth post of Vali

Vali Myers: A Memoir by Gianni.

Night Flower: The Life & Art of Vali Myers

Films about Vali

How to Break Up With Someone You Love

 

I have thought about writing this post for over a year, and I only just ended my long-term relationship in January. I knew it would be an important post for me to write, and that I would have to be fairly personal to write it, and of course respectful of my former partner.

When you know deep in your heart that your relationship is holding you back, yet you still love the person, it can lead to some drastic sacrifices – meaning, you can completely lose who you are. For me, my passion was fading. I became an anxious person. I took on traits of my partner. I repressed myself, much, much more than I had realized, and when you repress yourself for too long, you will eventually explode.

And I did – I got to a point where the true, fiery nimbus came out – she BURST out, cackling (rather psychotically), not letting anything get in her way. Though that pull-back was still there, to be mindful of the other, despite the weight upon my soul.

Have you ever been in this situation? It was rather new to me, I have always been the person to work hard (not that I didn’t this time – I did, believe me), to stick with it, and be heartbroken. To hurt another was rather foreign to me, and I was terrified. It absolutely gutted me, but it was so necessary to my well-being. I did not stop loving who I was with, but the love morphed into a platonic love, and it was not fair to me, or to him, to continue.

I struggled with this decision for almost 2 years. I justified staying for so many reasons – my partner had lots of good traits, but over time, the bad ones just clashed with me so much that I was quite literally losing my mind, turning into a person I did not recognize, almost worse than me in the past – the unhealthy, depressed, anxious cynic – now phony, irritable, lashing out, lying…so unlike me it was insane, and when it got to the point where I was being dishonest, I had to get out, immediately, because it was not who I am. I have always prided myself on honesty and I always refused to be fake – I am no good at it anyway. It was obvious I was going to leave, though I ignored my own needs and was eventually a brutal, horrible girlfriend – me leaving was really best for us both.

So over the last 2 years of grappling with my feelings, here is what I have learned. Some people might have an easy time letting go, and I’m not one of them. If I have loved someone, I care for them forever! To part is not easy for me.

~

Realize you do not need to BE with someone to love them.

This is something I discovered via questioning my beliefs – in the past, when someone I loved left to go back to where he lived in LA, I questioned the belief: ‘But I love him, I have to be with him!‘ And to turn that around, to “I don’t need to be with him to love him” was very powerful. It still works when you are the one doing the leaving. The other person may not believe you, but they don’t have to. YOU know it. Reiterate it to them. It seems cliche and phony, but if you are sincere, hopefully it will come across, even if they can’t see it immediately.

Be selfish.

There is so much flack out there about being selfish. Everyone seems to have an opinion about other people’s relationships, what they should do, who they should be with, why they should stay or leave, what is acceptable and what is not, what is a deal-breaker, and what should be supported. But really, how can you be a good partner if you are miserable? You can’t, to anyone. If you are like I was, you could be so miserable that you don’t even like yourself – then how could anyone else? To be happy with others, you need to be happy with you, so you need to make sure your relationships are good ones. Of course, relationships take work, but there is only so much you can do when things are not right – you can’t force it. When it’s forced it feels gross. Make yourself happy. Give yourself what you need, especially if your partner will not, or cannot, give it to you.

Be empathetic

If you are a normal person, you will probably know how horrible it feels to have someone leave you. Do it with the UTMOST compassion, regardless if they have been a shithead to you, or an angel. Even wonderful people can be wrong for you, and even shitheads can have broken hearts. Be as kind as you can.

Be Open

At least listen to everything they have to say. You don’t have to agree or respond, but listen to them. They at least should have the opportunity to say what they feel. If you feel threatened or attacked, retreat.

Be Accepting of their reaction

They may beg you for another chance, they may threaten suicide or a number of things, they may hurt insults at you or be in utter agony. They might surprise you and agree! They might be completely cold and not even look at you. Whatever they do, it might not be what you are prepared for, so be prepared for anything.

Be adamant/firm – with them AND yourself.

No matter how much they beg or threaten, do not falter. It’s difficult but in order for you BOTH to move forward, it is imperative that you cut the cord completely. Emotional manipulation is not cool, and what that person decides to do after you leave is their business, not yours. Their problem, not yours.

Be SURE.

Don’t do what I did – I tried leaving several times. The first few times, I changed my mind the next day. I felt horrible for hurting him, and when I was 100% sure I wanted to leave, I had to be damn strong in order to do so. Don’t hurt them more than you have to. It’s hard to leave that comfort zone. If you’re not ready, don’t do it. But when you do decide, make sure it’s for real, or you are likely to keep hurting them, and if you love them, why would you want to prolong the agony?
Be positive. Question everything. Put YOU first. If you aren’t happy you will take it out on your partner, and then nobody is happy.

Be direct

I wanted to cop out so many times and just write a note and leave it at his place. I wanted to do it over the phone. I wanted to send a text (better than a post-it). I wanted to get someone ELSE to do it (that happened to me when I was 15, no fun). I knew none of these were acceptable, especially for a long-term situation, or an adult.
It sucks, but do it in person (if you can – I was once involved with someone overseas so I couldn’t exactly do that when I ended our relationship – so pick the next best option). Write a letter if you have to, but at least give it to them in person and stay while they read it, or discuss it – I did this, even though it was refused, and then I had a lead into what was going to happen.

Have support/Expect Criticism

The person doing the leaving doesn’t seem to get much sympathy, at least not in the open. The person being left (I hate the word dumped, especially in a loving situation – you never DUMP someone you still care for – you leave the situation – that person is not garbage – can we nix this term?) tends to get the sympathy. If you have mutual friends, some may take the other person’s side, some may take yours, and some may take neither. If some side with your ex, let them. Don’t expect all the support for yourself – your ex needs people on their side, too (but don’t put up with any nastiness from anyone! it will show you who your friends are, at least).

After I left, I had to replace certain habits with others (as in, instead of chatting with him several times a day, I’d call my mom to talk instead).

Everyone surprised me and respected my decision. Everyone understood. Seek out the people who will do the same for you. If no one will, get better friends.

Keep a distance

This may be tough if you still want them in your life, but as someone who is friends/on good terms with every single person I’ve ever dated (except the last, unfortunately), I know that sometimes it can take years to reconnect, but if your partner really does love you and miss you, they will want you in their life regardless. But give it time – you both need to heal. You need to re-balance, they need to mourn (and so might you). You need to reconnect with yourself and feel as strong and dynamic as you can before you venture forth again with someone new.

Mourn

Let yourself be as miserable as you need. When I tried leaving the first few times, I felt like I had been dumped. I made lists and tried to find reasons to stay because the severing felt too abrupt, too harsh, and I hadn’t really made my concrete decision – I still loved him in a romantic way.
When I did finally leave for real, I just let guilt and sorrow overtake me. I dealt with the images playing over and over in my head. I wrote it out. I bawled. I talked to my friends and cried to them. I let people at work know that I was sad for a reason, but I still managed to get through it. Take time off if you have to, no one needs details.

Get away

If you can afford it, get away. I was lucky that my trip away coincided with my split, but I also made sure it happened before I went away – this was because I knew that I had to end things, and that going away would help me compose myself. It would also distract me and challenge me, plus the healing of the sun, cheap daily massage, and heavenly fruit was nourishing, and I damn well needed it.
If you can’t afford to go away, at least have a media cleanse and make your home a retreat for a weekend, as much as you can in your circumstances.

Write

This has been a necessary thing for me my entire life – it got me through my teenage years without succumbing to heinous things like drugs or booze, especially since I was a loner and didn’t have anyone to confide in. Journaling did well enough.
Also, this is KEY to figuring out patterns. I write so much of my life down that to look back and see how often I wanted to leave my partner, and that I was writing about how boring my life had gotten – I could see my gradual decline over the years. It can be illuminating and humbling, the best sort of counsel.

Channel your love elsewhere – to yourself, your pets, your friends.

If you feel like you have no one to lavish attention on anymore, seriously, give it to YOURSELF. I have felt like this in the past when I’ve been heartbroken – and I spoiled the HELL out of my dog, I focused on the love of my friends, and I really spent effort on myself. Often when I feel like crap (especially after I left my ex), I felt so badly about myself that I said “WHY BOTHER?” and wanted to binge on shitty food, be a schlub, and physically destroy myself, when really, times like this are when you MOST need to treat yourself WELL. You should NOT feel guilty for doing what you need to do, so CELEBRATE yourself for being strong, and when you treat yourself with love, even when you don’t feel like it, your brain will catch up pretty quickly and remember that you are indeed awesome.

Don’t believe in forever – believe in right now.

I used to believe in this, because it is what we are told our whole lives. I never think this way anymore. It is idealistic and focuses on the future, when all we have is right now. I love you right now. Isn’t that what matters? Why do you need to know I will love you in two years? If I don’t, will you not love me now? It’s a foolish way of thinking and takes away from really living.

Falling out of love does not negate what you had with someone. I still have fond feelings for many people in my past, and never feel like I wasted my time knowing them and loving them. So many relationships end – but don’t we learn from them all?

In fact, I am glad of all the heartbreak I’ve had, because it formed me into a better person, a better lover, and much more present and mindful of my behaviour in relationships. It made me more open to seeing the other person’s possible perspectives, more empathetic and definitely more loving.

So please, do what you need for yourself. Your partner will live, and you can still love them, even if they won’t accept it without the relationship. You can love them so hard. Too bad if they don’t like it.

The Love Of Others

For the people in my life, I want you to know

I adore you
It doesn’t matter if I met you yesterday
or 35 years ago
or in another life
I know if it’s real
and i will show you

if you are my friend
i will miss you

if you are a soul mate
you don’t have to be my lover
there are so many souls i connect with
but yet so few that truly lock

if you are my friend
then i admire you
i may not be interested in everything you like
but i will share in your joys

if you are my friend then
your effort means more to me
than anything else

i don’t care what your job is
i don’t care what your income is
i don’t care what is between your legs
or who you let between them

i care that you are kind
that you are fun
that you are open
and that you are a vibrant light
that shines bright in my life

and i want to do the same for you
i will respect you
forgive you
and show my sorrow if I have wronged you

and i will always care about you
whether we fight
whether we go years without speaking
whether we never see each other again

there is always enough love in my heart
to include you
there is infinite space in this small organ
like a house of leaves
it feels bursting

Some Photos From Thailand and Australia

If you’ve been reading a while, you will know that I went overseas in February for a month!

I had never been to Asia, and nor had I traveled alone to this extent. It was glorious and much-needed. A huge treat and confidence booster. I cannot recommend either country enough. I am in love with Thailand, and already adored Australia. Here are my favourite pictures that were taken on my journey.

In Pai on the bamboo bridge, Northern Thailand.

Elephant wash.

Mango feast by the river.

Christy, Colleen, and I in Chiang Mai’s Night Bazaar.

At the waterfalls of Doi Suthep.

My most favourite gimpy dog, Gimpy (I can’t remember her real Thai name). In Pai. I wanted to take this dog home!!

Eating watermelon on the deck of my hut. It was about $15.50 a night. With that view out the back.

 

My SUGARCANE JUICE totally matches my bag, woah. Sunburn in full effect.

Nai Harn Beach, Phuket.

Me and my pal Gilles. He’s 8. He reminded me of Bart Simpson – sweet but bratty!

Me and Baby in Mai Khao, Phuket. She followed me to the beach when I got to where I was staying. The sun was in our eyes.

By a beach fire in north Phuket.

Me and Jasmine, who was there with her boyfriend Karolis, staying at the same huts on the beach as me. They were early 20s from the UK, super nice.

Melbourne:

Effin’ pool party! Shannan and Mahala in the back (I stayed with Shannan).

Me and Shannan at Dandenong Ranges. Like my shirt? Fruit thought-bubbles! Also…the shirt says “Little Miss Dirty Mind.” What a damn perfect shirt.

Me at St. Kilda’s Beach. It was hella windy.

Shannan and Mahala at the beach on our road trip down Great Ocean Road.

Moi.

GOBS of street art in Melbourne. TONS.