Kick Seasonal Depression in the ASS

If there is something I know a lot about, it’s being utterly morose. And if there is something I know more about, it’s how to get the hell out of it.

I’ll begin with my personal journey, and then list an action plan to ninja-kick sadness in the booty.

My first battles with depression started at about 5 years old. Well, it was more anxiety than actual depression, but it started early. I couldn’t bear to go to school, I was inconsolable when my mother would leave to go to work, I was reluctant to do anything alone.

Eventually I dealt with it – I am an only child and got used to entertaining myself, even though I was close with my parents. I didn’t have a lot of friends around and always felt  that I liked everyone more than they liked me. I still think this way, actually. I’m not  exactly sure where it stems  from.

I was still a pretty happy kid, until I started getting harassed on a daily basis. The first  time started in grade 4, when I was teased mercilessly by everyone for emulating Harriet the Spy. I was 8 years old and wanted to drop out of school. I wish I had (for many other reasons). It stopped suddenly one day and the most popular girls started being nice to me.

For a couple of years I was drama-free, and then in grade 7, I started  getting pummeled with insults. I was an easy target: seriously sensitive, no defense, easy to make cry – bulls-eye. Target practice for insult-slinging. False rumours were spread. Without going into detail into what was said to me, this was the real beginning of my mental decline.

I lived a block away – I rode my bike to and from class, and every lunch hour, to get home as fast as possible. I would spend recess around the back of the school with my one friend, who mainly did homework. I would read Lord of the Flies repeatedly.

I got hassled everywhere but during class time – before, after, at home. Phone. Mailbox. I’m sure if the internet had been around I would have had endless shit through that, too.

The one time I went to camp was right before high school. No one from my school attended, but I did go with a “friend.” How awesome that I was harassed there, too – different reasons, luckily, but it was never-ending. I loathed camp.

Grade 8 started out well. I was still a good student, I had new pals. After about a month, everything  bad started up again – at least this time I had some other people to be with. We were all a bit on the fringes, even though there were not typical cliques in my school.

The bullying was worse in high school, of course. The same rumours from elementary school spread amongst a much larger amount of people, and now taunting happened during class time, too.  I started to skip, a lot, and I started not to care. My friends were all too busy, or too far away to hang out after school. My self-amusement came in handy, and I started to relish it. I was lonely but kept myself well occupied. I slept a lot, watched cartoons, wrote in my journals, wrote stories, drew, redecorated my room constantly, and most importantly, I had my music. I read a lot, but music overpowered everything else, as did obsession with males and sex.

Writing got me through everything. I am still amazed that I did not get into drugs or anything like that – it just wasn’t around me. My friends were not the type, and even though I had a couple of experiences with drugs, it never became a coping mechanism.

I became more and more withdrawn. I started to like dark things. Around 13 I finally became interested in my appearance, and models. I lived within magazine pages and music videos.

After a couple of years, I had hardened. I was the lone weirdo in the entire school. After about one week of trying to conform, I was disgusted with myself and embraced being an outsider.

In grade 10 I started to snap back at people. The frustration from constant comments and rumours finally built up and I exploded. I was able to rage. I had never blown up at anyone. The first instance was in grade 8, when someone I sat with was going to tell my guy friend that I wanted to fuck him. I didn’t know what to say or do. As he got up to wander over, sneer on his mouth, I wound up and slapped him in the face. Everyone’s head spun around. Someone said, “Did she just SLAP you?” Everyone was shocked, especially me.

Instead of answering them, he slapped me back, twice. The teacher had not arrived yet. I stood there, triumphant – it was the first time I had not cried over being hurt.

Being able to rage felt great. Other rumours spread, this time true ones. I started to look intimidating – my face was in a perpetual scowl state – something I still have trouble with to this day. I wore dark clothes, dyed my hair black. This is so commonplace, now, but in small town BC in the early 90s, I was an anomaly.

I did not have much in common with my friends anymore. Had I ever? We all got along well, but I drifted elsewhere. I made a couple of other friends in lower grades, but was more or less on my own. The older I got, the sadder I became. I vilified the sun. I stayed indoors with the blinds drawn. I obsessed over industrial music and A Clockwork Orange. I got boyfriends via record stores or chat lines. I only ever dated one guy from high school, a snowboarder in my art class. I guess I was too intense for him.

I was a spitfire from the day I found some internal power – maybe from the first 15 years of being silent. It all roared out. Good and bad. I was always told that when I looked at someone it was like I was boring a hole into them.

I was terrible at keeping my feelings to myself, and awful at pretending to be happy.

My last year of high school was not so bad – people had started leaving me alone after realizing I was now going to fight back. My clearest memory was shaming a guy in my French class after he was calling me a certain name – calling him something back – and he never bothered me again. It was completely awful which is why I don’t say what it was, but it did the trick. I was not a cruel person and never wanted to be – but at the time I had no other conceivable option, so I took the low road.

I felt like I might have been bipolar and went to see my doctor, who after asking only a couple of questions, asked if I would like to be put on lithium. I was looking for easy answers, but the fact she did not even try to find out anything deeper put me off -  this was the first time I really  questioned the
medical industry. I decided to try antidepressants (Paxil). I felt weird at first, but gradually a bit better. Not much.

After high school I had a bit of an up. I got into modeling, only to throw it aside to be more outrageous looking. I felt free to be more wild. I was more into music than ever, and felt I’d found the boy of my dreams.

Every break-up felt like the end of my life, but I would find someone else to swoon over – easy for me back then – 90s boys were so my type – it got harder and harder to find guys I was attracted to as the years went on.

I tried to go off of antidepressants and got seriously sick. I wasn’t even on a high dose. I had migraines so terrible that I stayed in bed most of the time. It affected my first job, resulting in me being canned.

I started to dip. I became more erratic. Once I started working, my natural defensive attitude was detrimental to retail work and I got fired many, many times. Increasingly over the next 10 years I became convinced I was too crazy, too fat, too ugly, too miserable – no one would want me for long, I couldn’t keep a job, I lived at home, I was dependent, I was pathetic.

I stayed on the antidepressants for a couple of years and finally weaned myself off. I realized that retail was not meant for me and went into work with animals. I was still alone – my longest relationship was only 10 months and that stayed a record until recently.

Not long after I’d gotten off the pills the first time (a year or two), I had a huge mental breakdown. I had moved to Vancouver Island to be with my boyfriend at the time. We eventually broke up, but still lived together for several weeks after. I got fired again. My grandmother died. My pet rat died. I had to move back home again. I was on welfare. I had finally met some friends in that city and then had to leave. This all happened within 2 months. So I went back on medication, this time Celexa. It numbed me in a scary way. I was on it for 3 years, terrified to go off of it because of the previous issues I’d had with withdrawal.

When I eventually did go off of it (they never worked for long), I did it exceptionally slowly, and it was okay, but when I finally ditched it completely, I again got very sick. Luckily I had just left  a job so could avoid that issue, but again I had my heart ripped out, had the beginnings of an eating disorder (I stopped this behaviour soon after), and was moving away from a place I loved (Tofino) and moving back in with my mom.

After 2 days of moving home I decided I wanted to go back to the island, and also wanted to go overseas on a working holiday. I obsessively planned and saved. I moved back but focused on work and not guys. I also worked out a lot, rode my bike, and quit eating sugar. I felt better than I could ever remember, but when I went overseas, this all changed as I was around someone very negative. I also started to eat all sorts of horrible stuff for me – lots of candy and chocolate bars I’d never had before, canned spaghetti toasties (a New Zealand thing), Nutella on white bread (road trip food), and other such things. My clear skin got bumpy (I blamed the heat) and I gained back more weight than I had lost. My mental state plummeted, and I blamed it all on the guy I was with. He did have a huge influence on my mental state, but I chose to stay with him, even though all I thought of was leaving. Guilt made me stay – he’d come with me to another country (Australia), was young, and I felt responsible.

When I went back home, I did end the relationship. I decided to go back to school. After I finished, I moved to the mountains. I was still medication-free. I worked at a vet clinic. I dieted often – mostly on foods high in fake-sweeteners, microwave dinners, and stuff like that. I looked great but I started to have some weird health issues. My hands started to ache all the time , all the joints in my fingers were in constant pain – I was tested many times for rheumatoid arthritis. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn’t work, and I could barely even hold up a book. I laid around watching youtube for a month while I recovered. I was frightened and bored. It was winter and I had nowhere to go – I couldn’t drive to the city with my hands in the state they were, so stayed in, getting more and more depressed. I started eating garbage again.

After a month or so I felt better, but then got laid off. I immediately moved back to the city. The mountain town I lived in was not somewhere that made me happy – I only had met two friends outside of work, and every weekend I drove down to Vancouver to go clubbing, as I had nothing happy to keep me in the mountains.

I had been single for years, and even when I did occasionally meet someone, they were taken or only interested in me briefly. I moved in with a girl I met on craigslist, and lived on EI for as long as I
could. I basically spent half a year lying in my bed, eating crap, and watching downloaded tv shows. I read a lot of blogs.

I ate more chocolate than I ever had. I felt completely useless. I started feeling angry, and very paranoid. I’d walk around looking over my shoulder as I walked my dog. I’d yell at her. I’d hold my keys between my knuckles in case anyone wanted to harm me. I cried a lot. The only thing I really did for myself was obsessively clean and lift weights in my room.

I snapped one day. I did not want to go back on medication. I was so horrified at my mental state that I was open to anything. My post on my transformation has already been written, however I want to reiterate the steps I took to conquer my depression, and why it worked.

1. I eliminated all processed foods. This left only plants in their natural state. Since I was not consuming anything with weird chemicals, or anything altered by heat, my brain chemistry was able to return its normal state for the first time in my life.

2. With increased energy, I became more active. I didn’t work out for a long time, but I played. I went into the park and hula-hooped. I went for hikes in the mountains with new friends and my dog. I bounced on trampolines.

3. I slept soundly. Along with my mood changes, I was just radiating good vibes. This attracted different people into my life, happy ones, healthy ones. I got along easily with everyone because I was calmer. My defenses went down.

4. My self-esteem went up – I was doing something wonderful for myself, first off, but also my body changed, my skin changed – everything did. I looked fantastic, which made me want to take even better care of myself.

5. I gravitated to the outdoors. I understood how important daylight and sunshine were.

6. I started to move towards more positive things. This included people, outlooks, events, work, books.

It was long chain-link. One good thing led to the next. Even when upsetting things happened, I only got knocked down a little. It was easier to get back up.  I was mentally clear, and able to focus on the things that kept me well.

When I was depressed, I never really noticed the effect winter had on me. I was already in a drab state. I mostly avoided the sun in my life due to scary propaganda and a preference for pale skin. So I was always in this low state – and I started to notice it last year.

My first year raw started in the spring. Later that year in winter, I was dealing with a break-up and so any sadness I was experiencing would automatically have been attributed to that, and so I did not notice any seasonal depression.

The next winter I took a vacation to Hawaii, and so also had no major reactions. I was still on a raw diet and doing very well, convinced that was all I needed to be happy. I was in my first good, long relationship, working at a job I liked, and everything was generally peachy.

The next winter (last year) was when I really started to notice how it affected me. It was a LONG winter and very gloomy. I was in a new home, small, and noisy. I was unhappy at work. I had not changed my diet but still felt lethargic, I had gained weight, and was feeling crazy, like I had prior to diet changes. I attributed this to lack of B12, and probably vitamin D. I really focused on the B12, so started researching it and supplementing it. I felt a bit better, but not really.

When the sun came back…that is when it all changed. I felt a complete turnaround within a week. All my enthusiasm came back, I was happy, active, and jubilant. I still felt a bit low due to my living situation, and unhappy at work – but this changed – I quit my job and lived off of a bit of money I had for 4 months. I found a quiet place to live, and then much more suitable work.

January is around the time I start to notice a decline in my mental state. I started to notice it again this year, and expected it. I want to go on vacation, but am more interested in fashioning a lifestyle where I can go on  lengthy vacations every winter instead of just short ones, and so decided to forgo a  quick trip so I can make a long-term goal manifest.

After doing a lot of searching and experimenting, this is my fool-proof method for combating seasonal depression.

1. Make sure you are getting vitamin D. Regardless of your diet, this will be the kicker. A supplement is okay, but if you are in ANY way able to go on a vacation somewhere sunny for 2-3 weeks in mid-winter, this will help you a great deal. Failing that, and especially if you are a vegan (D3 supplements are not vegan, though there are a couple available now – here and here) get into sunbeds. I know there is a lot of controversy about them, but if you go to a proper facility with beds that have both UVA and UBA, low-pressure lamps, and go for short periods of time (5-10 minutes or based on your skin colour, etc) you will be fine. This is what I have chosen to do and it has made a massive difference.

2. See as much daylight as possible. I work in a place with no windows (the back of a store) so I go outdoors as much as possible on my break, and on days off.  If it’s yucky out I make sure I sit in front of a bright window while I write or read. If you live in a very grey place, a full-spectrum light will help, too. These will NOT generate vitamin D, though. Get to bed early and get up early, or you will suffer in darkness.

3. Food – the lighter your diet, the more plants you eat, the less processed your food is, the better you will feel. Cutting out all processed and animal foods will be best, but keeping your diet based in whole foods, and keeping it LOW fat (10-15% of calories) will do wonders for you. Eating “comfort” foods like chocolate and other junk foods will actually FUEL your depression. When I made this connection it made all the difference. It does not help. It worsens.

4. Get your bare feet on the earth as much as possible. Our bodies are electrical conduits – we are separated from the earth in many ways – our shoes, primarily, but also our homes and lifestyles. When is the last time you had your feet ON THE GROUND, for a period of time, let alone your whole body? This is a free practice, and works especially well in the sea. Here is a link about bare-footing, with a video by the beautiful Shakaya Leone, a woman I deeply admire and respect.

5. MOVE. Especially if you have a sedentary job. I have a pretty physical job but I am pretty sedentary at home in winter, and I also drive. I love to read and write, so have to make sure I do some other activity. I choose hula-hooping and biking when it is nice out. I walk my dog. I lift weights if I feel like it. Choose something you find FUN – if you enjoy the gym, awesome. I do, too, but I want to save my money for travel. Otherwise I’d be going because I do really like it.

6. Get ENOUGH sleep. How much is enough? When you wake up and feel like getting up instead of rolling over. We are so over-stimulated and chronically underslept. Get rid of your coffee – it actually makes you more tired by making huge demands on your adrenal glands. Set your alarm to GO to bed. Make sure you sleep enough – this means all year, not just in winter. You cannot oversleep. If you sleep a lot, it means your body is trying to heal itself. All of the repair the body does takes place during sleep, so the more toxic you are, the more sleep you will need.

7. Human touch. If you don’t have a partner, hug your friends. If you feel weird about it, just tell them you need a good hug! If they are your friends, they will happily hug you. If you are in a new place with no friends, invest in massage. This will tide you over until you have comrades to embrace.

8. Fruit. No matter what you eat, delight in bright, luscious fruits. The colours will perk you up, remind you of the tropics, and nourish your body. Also winter fruits are bursting with colour – citrus, pomegranates, persimmons – really devour these things. They will illuminate you.

9. Colour – surround yourself with it. Dress in rainbows, drape yourself in neons. Greens and bright blues are the most important as these tend to be the colours we really do without in winter.

10. Companions. Whether it be human or animal, make sure you give and receive affection, have as much fun as possible, and really enjoy what is around you.

If you are surrounded by snow, then cultivate a love of snow-sport, or snow-play. Build snowmen. Play with your kids in the snow, or if you have no kids, then babysit some! Throw snow at your dog so he tries to catch it. Make snow-smoothies.

If you are in torrential rain, get some rain gear and get outside anyway! I used to bike daily in the rainforest and it didn’t phase me because I had the right clothing. Get galoshes and splash in the puddles. Bundle in the warmest things you have and enjoy storms on the beach.

If you live somewhere that is just cold and grey, write out a list of everything beautiful you can see, and don’t stop. There will always be something worth appreciating, even in the most “ugly” landscape. You can always add your own beauty to the area, too. Coloured lights, bright winter berries and plants – brainstorm ways to enliven your surroundings. And get the hell out of the city as much as possible.

I know what it’s like to live in a perpetually grey surrounding for the majority of the year. You do not need to suffer through darker days. You don’t need to suffer through lighter days. Medication is totally unnecessary if you live a natural lifestyle. I am quite aware a lot of people are unwillingly to make that sort of commitment, but even small amounts will help. Focus on the things you CAN do for now, and work towards a stronger goal. Make daily goals instead of longterm. Can you commit to eating all raw foods for one day? Great! Then make a new goal the next morning.

Learn all you can. Rely on yourself. It is the most powerful, esteem-boosting thing you can do. To be entirely self-sufficient, self-healing – there is no greater gift to yourself.

~~~

Pix found mostly on Pinterest, except the ones of me (the one of me in plaid was me at age 15). The one of the girl in the yellow coat is from here.

I am Inspired by Everything

Music: Ups and downs, churns and timpanies, gruff growls and intense booms, vibrating vibrato and deep cool burns. The lashing of tongues and spitting of screams. The banshees and the sweet tinkle of bell-voices. The lacerating manic shrieks, the diamond violins, the thundering drums, the lightning keys, the blistering bayonet of basslines. I may suck in my breath for a whole bridge, or grit my teeth for a chorus cacophony, feeling every pore contract and every hair extend. When it pulses through each vein and hits my heart with a well strung arrow, I know it has hit that pulsating organ with all the energy I could possibly need for months.

Literature: The stream and twist of the letters in sequence, a lift in my breath from a lift in verisimilitude, the bloom of events meant to stir deliquium, the cozy familiarity of characters who feel real – concoctions probably based on reality, who are they? I want to know them. I want to dive into a page and swim with syntax, the page water and the ink swells, an oil spill of knowledge, the waves of paragraphs pushing me toward the shore of conclusion.

Art: Ink blots, Rorschach spreading into birds, faces, dandelions, gorillas, apples, forests, hydrangeas, gowns, nebulae – pearls of watercolours, crystals formed of clay, scratches of chalk, caramelized pastels, acrylic constellations, crayon creatures, they all speak to me because I am made of colours and pigments. My brain is grey so as to be infused with brightness and  fuchsia and marigold, neon leaves and vibrant lilac skies. Moondrops made of oily rainbows spread and blister into indigo bruises, chunky dried paint clusters on my heart.

Film: Truth or not there are always parts of us in the moving pixels – the ripples of alchemy, the light showing us the beauty in a simple object, an almost unnoticeable expression, the resplendence of a dewdrop on an eyelash. We need stories, and sometimes in motion – the eyes want loveliness and a screen is a pathway. Billowing daydreams out of your head, they mesh with images onscreen. We must always be moving. We must always be learning. The representation of horrors and triumphs and relationships and dance and fantasy – lay down and let it wash over the synapses, relax and let someone else think for you, meditate on imagery, melt into the visions of other human beings.

Nature: Light, storms, the fronds of trees, the tusks of elephants, the ferocity of lions, iridescent beetles, flies in spider cocoons, jewel eyes, sleek snakes in the reeds, clouds overpowering the blue, rain pummeling the grass, bull-rushes surrounding bullfrogs, chirping tuis, desert landscapes, every grain of sand a star in the universe, galaxies watching over us, the blindness of night, moon craters dipping into the tides, waves pushing forward the people brave enough to sway upon them, sunlight liquefied in leaves, wild blueberries, brambles and nettles, stinging ants, vines to entangle, Venus fly traps with piranha teeth, rivers gushing like orgasm, mountains to intimidate,
vicious sharp-teeth lurking in the deep, talons coming down from the sky, let’s all go to the sea and dip our toes into the infinite, drown ourselves in life, all of us are water, all of us are earth, we are all air, we are all fire.

People: My sister, my brother, you are made of all the same matter, your cells split for the same reasons, your limbs move for the same purpose, your brains are the same empty matter to fill – please unfurl it into a lengthy vine, let each leaf grow into a dream, let each flower bloom into a song. The sun for your brain is curiousity, the water for your brain is literature, the food for your brain is creativity, the sustenance for your brain is companionship, human and non-human, to lift you, push you, move with you, entangle you, embrace you – churn out all the beauty in you to crash down like comets into the world, to shoot like meteors into minds shrouded with steel – break them open, break me open, show me my downfalls, lead me into life, utopia hides in the dark.

Food: Luscious dripping mango, sticky lines down my throat, lemon rinds and orange zests, indigo   berries, scarlet apples, freckled bananas, the sweet roots of lettuce. Sun dried tomatoes chewed to pulp, a tang of grape, a sweet pudding of date squished between molars, scents from within, pomegranate pupils, nostrils pressed into durian pods. Pineapple cuts my tongue into razor edges,
unripe,  eyes feast on coconuts, nibbles of dandelion leaves, wild salal, crisp snap peas, projectile tomato seeds, stains on teeth, smears on cheeks, smiles on lips.

Animals: The softness of down on the cheek. Purrs assimilate with your breath. Wagging tails align with heartbeats. Strong muscles built with wild fruits and emerald blades cross your gaze in the jungle. Eyes peer from the trees. Elephants loom above with parasol ears, they cross the plains and touch the bones of lost ones. Lions laze in a daze. Elsewhere sharks loom, and jellyfish pulsate. Bats hover. Narwhals dive. Dolphins scatter and come together, twisting pleasure. Caribou in snow leaving little twig toe prints, suede-noses, steam breath, fine velvet antlers. Babies tiptoeing behind. Moose with voluminous crowns. Diamond backed otters. Zen-like cows as if dipped in inks. Sloth babies murmur and eat hibiscus. Pandas tumble in the bamboo. Falcons dip their toes into the thermals. Condors gaze down, the rare spies of above. Wolves rake their lips back and teeth shine. Lemurs dance upon fruit peels. Crocodiles bake their curled grins and arched backs. Where are the mammoths, where are the dodos? Where will the tigers be? where will we be without them all?

Fashion: Drape tiger-lilies around me, so I can slip into the sunlight. Adorn me with feathers so I can fly on to dance floors. Rocking-horse heels, sequined eyelids, rainbow tresses, popsicle lips – my ears droop with rubies, my legs are shellacked with latex. I am encased in spiderwebs, I am dipped in linen. Screaming bodies say to paint them with fabric, leave no limb neglected.

Sex: The loss of innocence only to be born again the moment you stop, then over and over until you feel every blood cell move with lightspeed to your chest, all at once, the cerebral cortex like a chainsaw cutting through your spine, opening you like a peach to swallow every morsel, all atoms suddenly visible, all focused on the moment, every thought here and now, you are the zen master.
Sex will electrify the world, the untapped energy source, the new fuel.

~~~~

Inspiration is endless – all you need to do is look, keep open, appreciate constantly, and be aware of beauty in amongst the gloom.

This is by no means a complete list – I just wanted to get it out there or I could write it for years.

~~~~

Photos all from Pinterest. Top 2: Unknown. 3: Vali Myers (Moby DIck). 4. Doom Generation film still (weird movie, great visuals). 5: National Geographic (I think). 6. Hans Silvester (Natural Fashion: Tribal Decoration From Africa). 7/8/9/10: Unknown.

The Beauty of Words

I was lazily dreamy the other day, thinking as usual about my life – this is a constant musing for me – how to make my life better, more exciting, more meaningful.

It’s daunting – there is a strong dichotomy in me – the one side being the free, joyous vagabond, and the other being the hard-working, focused, serious activist.

A balance between these two is difficult – it’s hard to be enamoured with beauty at all times when there are horrors aplenty around – and I don’t want to ignore them. So how do I choose?

I try to remain an optimist, but there are times when I just feel there is no hope for the world.

So during my lazing in bed that morning, I thought – “How can I make the most of my life while still doing something worthwhile for other people? AND stay happy?”

I thought about what made life beautiful for me, and what I realized was it was words – they may be fictional or not, but they have the power to do so much – distract, inspire, teach. Almost all my passions came about because of something I read, at some point. They may get me to notice something out there that I never would have seen or appreciated, or they may delight me enough to try something new, or they may spark other passions I never would have dreamed of.

I’ve had a love of writing and memoir and fiction since I was a tiny child – I spent hours as a kid writing at the typewriter, and hours as a teenager in the computer lab at school. I would sometimes stay until 9pm when the school closed completely, because I had nothing at home to use.  When I  was in grade 8 I started my first novel, of which I hand-wrote 130 or so pages, and let my friends read. I’ve written many zines, and several short stories, one of which was edited by favourite writer at the time (Storm Constantine) and featured on her webzine.

The only consistent thing I’ve ever wanted to be is a writer (as well as a surfer). Sometimes it seems like such an unimportant goal in the grand scheme of things  (plus everyone seems to want to write something and call themselves an author) – but this world needs more beauty. Especially coming from individual people – there is so much acid and bile and wastefulness from the majority – to spread beauty through passion is of utmost importance!

And so I decided to dedicate myself to this pursuit of beauty. To immerse myself in it. The same importance can be put on music, art, film – but it should be a singular, intense passion, or the work will not be inspiring. Anything can be of inspiration if there is insane dedication and bliss behind it.

What is your obsessive passion? I want to know. Do you spend the majority of your day doing that? I must spend my days writing and reading, or I become increasingly unhappy – this is clearer to me all the time. My clarity increases the healthier I am, but unless I am focused on the things that fill my soul, health is a dead end. It would be like traveling to a faraway place, only to get there and say, “Okay, time to go back” instead of enjoying the result of arrival. Doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile, but better to enjoy the outcome as much as possible!

The more I write, the more I love it. The more I read, the more I want to read. It’s constant inspiration. It’s necessary. And so people need constant beauty around them to remind them that life IS worth living, if only for the splendor of their surroundings, the creations of others, and the hope that may trickle through them as a result. Without hope and beauty, we’re doomed.

~

For some great writing books these are the ones I recommend.

Lament of an Eternal Youth

I think I know what my “problem” is.

I love everything, way too much.

I flit back and forth, grasping this, snatching that, inhaling this, devouring that – I want to know how everything feels, tastes, smells, sounds like, looks like. I cannot ignore the bad…but I also see the riot of exquisite delights everywhere.

Sometimes I want to rebel against my own “rules” – really my “rules” are just preferences and specific things I want to accomplish, until the Desire Monster attacks me.

I have never liked rules. What a stereotype, huh? “Girl who hates authority!” – well, I don’t hate authority, I just prefer to rule over myself. I am my own kingdom. I set my own path. I do what I wanna do. And if people don’t like it, or say I can’t – well, I will find a way and prove them wrong.

I do not set out to fight any system – I just behave as if I am entitled to my freedom. This used to lead to me losing jobs, friends, etc – but now because I see it as a positive thing to have freedom, I never fear losing things. And so I never do. I can’t lose anything because I know nothing belongs to me (or I can have everything because everything belongs to me).

The orgy of things I want to do, read, see – the list is endless and glorious. I am obsessed with my teenage years. I want to relive them with the attitude I have now (and this is basically how I conduct myself). Damn what a time it would be. It was still good, despite the heartache and acne. I wrote my way out of the angst. I mostly kept to myself. I drowned myself in music. I yearned for long-haired men (I still do).

Not much has changed, except I feel powerful now instead of weak. My aesthetics and passions have not changed. I still want to be a surf bum. I still want to make music. I still want to write out every detail of my day, every character I concoct, every interesting thing I learn, every turn of phrase that makes me swoon.

The voracious need for constant stimuli has not waned. I have always been interested in every facet of life. How can anyone be bored? Read a book about the universe or something!  Bloody hell.  I roll my eyes at boredom. Even if you watch TV all day you can be excited by things . I miss the days of late night alternative music shows, which was the only way (other than magazines) at the time I could discover anything special. My Saturday nights were not party nights. I was a lone teen with green-streaked  hair, Doc Martens, and purple plaid flannel. I read Poppy Z. Brite and yearned for Trent Reznor in the Closer video, hanging from the ceiling in his black latex gloves (the pinnacle moment where I transformed into a goth).

This show was my weekly blast of splendor – then every week I would trek to the city to sit in my favourite music store, stare at the cute, grungy, blonde employee, yearn for his butt, and listen to CDs of the bands I had discovered.

I do love the internet, but it has replaced true exploration. Last year me and my (long-haired) boyfriend were watching a new music channel on TV – it was a freebie for a month, and yet again, I had the joy of discovery like I used to. Oh how I was sent back to those days! The difference being that I could go home and listen to it right away, for free. Nostalgia prefers the record store.

Discovery is still my favourite of all things. This is why I lament my teen years – it is much harder to have that particular sensation – things now are so overwhelming and so accessible. I still get that ecstatic pulse from music, and especially from literature – I gorge on these things until I explode.

But there are so many things I have not done and want to do – I keep searching for that flutter of delight. I do feel it far more often than most people do.

The youthful minded stay young. It is the best anti-aging potion out there.

The Cure for Ennui – Discovered!

DO YOU SUFFER FROM L.O.P. (Lack of Passion)??

L.O.P. can be self diagnosed.

Symptoms:

• You are bound to your home.
• The TV ensnares you. You are drawn into other worlds instead of inhabiting your own.
• The internet draws you in with so many temptations, far more than before its existence.
• You want to devour everyone and everything. Media is a black hole you swim into, willingly.
• You believe people who are famous – just because people know who they are, just because they are charismatic. You listen to them more than you listen to yourself.
• You have a completely structured life. You do the same thing daily, and then you force yourself to smile.
• You do nothing for your own pleasure.
• You eat things that come in packages and go in microwaves.
• You adhere to a set standard of living, and an aesthetic chosen for you.
• You have left your childhood self completely in the past and cannot remember what it is like to be free.
• You are a curmudgeon.
• You only see the bleakness of the world.
• You drown yourself in vices, to cope with things you don’t realize are stifling you.
• You only see the mainstream options for life. You do not ever consider alternatives.

New Medical Break-though!

The new drug FOMS (Fear of Missing Something) is now available. This drug has been known to have the following side effects:

• You will say yes to almost any experience.
• You will quit jobs and leave relationships that don’t squeeze your heart and make you swoon.
• You will sleep so soundly because you’ve depleted all your energy from living.
• You will eat copious amounts of fresh fruits and foliage.
• You may experience lightning in your brain.
• You see beauty in every corner of your reality.
• You are vocal and rally against the horrors around you.
• You will long for the days of childhood and teenage years, when devious behaviour is more accepted.
• You will not care if your behaviour is accepted.
• You will cultivate an intense desire for knowledge.
• You will start to see threads leading out from normal life, that lead you to amazing people and wanderings.
• Your desire to travel will become unbearable.
• You will want to document everything so you can share it with others – or – you may want to keep it all to yourself, a delicious secret.
• You will want to spread love wherever you go.
• You will want to kiss with wild abandon.
• You will want to be lithe and naked and roam free on hot beaches amongst coconut trees.
• You will want to move so wildly that your body never stops swaying.
• You will easily attract many other companions, divine lovers, and glistening amigos.
• You automatically become glowlingly beautiful
• You believe in wishes, and magic.
• Your religion becomes self-worship.
• You create things that people want, and admire.
• You become yourself, a deviant visionary.

Please do not take FOMS on an empty stomach. Take with water, luscious mangos and blueberries. Take FOMS upon rising from a complete night’s sleep.

FOMS can be self-prescribed, and taken at any time – no rules apply.

Personal Reality is Complete Fabrication

“You can’t do that – it’s not realistic.” 

When someone says that to you, do you believe them?

It’s a lie. That is their reality. Their reality says you can’t do it – but does yours? If you choose to believe “reality” is only one way, that is your choice. Everything you believe is your choice.

You create your own reality. Most people think there are only one or two options, when in fact, there are countless ways to do everything.

What is reality, anyway? My reality completely differs from everyone else. So does yours. What you interpret, what you believe, who you follow, how you behave – it is all your choice. To think otherwise is to give up complete control of yourself – to put yourself in the hands of others, to make yourself a puppet, to surrender to the many manipulations of society. You can succumb to the pressure, or you can say FUCK NO.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
Albert Einstein

Generally people are caught up in “the norm” and want to blend into society (or they think they do).  Many people blindly follow others, or ideals, without even taking into consideration how they personally feel. There are many others that pave their own paths  – some are famous, some are not – but people tend to regard them as “special” or “talented.”

The only difference between regular people and impressive people (the ones doing what they want, the way they want) is that they do two things:

1. Believe they can do it.
2. Are persistent.

That’s the ONLY difference.

~~

I like to link everything with health for specific reasons – for me, and I think for a huge number of people – when I am not functioning properly, I do not feel motivated. I may feel like a failure, or useless, or too tired, or too old, or that there are way more interesting and talented people out there.

When I focus on my health, I get benefits x 100000. First off – I’m healthy!  Bonus! But along with that, there is clarity, self-esteem, ecstasy, natural happiness, an overall well-being – this instantly lines up with the confidence to go for the things I want.

No matter how much you may want to do something, if you are not truly healthy, your brain may not function in a way that allows you to follow your dreams. When I made the connection between my diet and my depression, everything morphed. My entire life changed once I focused on my health.

“The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body. The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results.”
Tony Robbins

~~

Since your brain is the epicenter of all you do, and all you desire, it only makes sense to take the very best care of it. You need to nourish your body  properly, you need to sleep enough to regenerate your cells, you need to continue to learn. Without all the parameters taken care of, your brain will not perform at its OPTIMAL levels. You may still function just fine, but are you trapped by a lifetime of repression? Have you always believed what others have told you? What are your limited beliefs keeping you from? Can you even imagine?

When you think more clearly, you start to see the cracks in “reality” – you see all the underlying bullshit. I am not talking about conspiracy theories – I am talking about everything that is hidden from you, that is never out in the open, never on TV. – the things you need to seek out for yourself. You may not even want to seek them out for yourself because it is overwhelming, or because you are too tired from the barrage of empty, meaningless garbage thrown at you from all angles, all day, every day. It is so much easier to just mindlessly follow along, no effort required.

A lot of these things are so infuriating that you may give up hope for all of humanity., including yourself.  I feel that way at times – however, that just may be what “they” hope for – it’s all too much, so why bother? I’m a part of  the system and that is reality – most people believe this. Too depressed, too brainwashed, not even aware of their own power.

So what about the people out there who DO NOT live within the normal construct of “reality” – the ones who lives on the outskirts, who find loopholes, who really grasp the truth, who find personal freedom, that do and be whatever they please? How did they get there, how do they do it?

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Lily Tomlin

It is my mission to find out – to meet more and more people like this, and to become one myself.

Along with true health, to become what you want you must surround yourself with people you admire – real people to look up to.

Examples:

If you only hang around healthy people, you are bound to become healthier. Just like if you hang around addicts, you will probably end up with a needle in your arm.

If you only hang around successful people, you will likely learn and put many of the things they do into practice – the constant inspiration will naturally push you forward.

If you want to become a better athlete, train with people BETTER than you – a natural competitive nature will do much more for your skill than practice alone.

Finding people to be with in person is always best, but if you have no other options right now, there is an endless vortex of like-minded people connected to you by tiny electronics pulses. Take advantage of it.

What do you most want to do, how do you want to live? Find people already doing it and talk to them! Engage them, pummel them with questions – people love talking about themselves.

If there is no one to admire or emulate, well , then you have the extreme pleasure of becoming a visionary.

Just remember that the only thing holding you back from doing what you want is the belief that you can’t. If you believe that, your mind will never see any other options. If you start LOOKING for other options, they will appear. Maybe not immediately, but because your brain is open, you will see them when they do appear.

This is not new age stuff – it’s science. There is a part of the brain called the reticular activating system. It filters out any irrelevant information (such as when you are immersed in doing something and the whole world falls away -  like right now – there is traffic noise but I don’t hear it because I am focused on writing this). It works the other way, too – positively or negatively. When you hear a song you hate, you probably hear it everywhere. When you love a particular breed of dog, you will spot one a mile away. It’s because your brain is always attuned to the things you have strong feelings for.

You are very likely to accomplish what you want if you keep a positive focus on it. You also have to know what you want, specifically, or you will not travel in the right direction.

Every successful person in the world would be struggling if they hadn’t believed they could succeed. When I opened my mind and looked for real answers to my health problems, instead of mindlessly going back to the doctor for pills, I discovered true health. I was completely open! I would never have given second thought to changing my diet otherwise – why would I have? No one else had ever suggested it – certainly not a doctor. If I had trusted doctors, or media, I never would be who I am now.

Instead of thinking: “I’m depressed. I need to go back on pills. I need to go to the doctor” I thought, “Okay, there are other options, there has to be. I want to find the answer on my own.” And I did. It was very powerful and has had lasting impact – if I have any physical ailments, I know I have the ability to correct it myself. There is a deep knowing that we all have, that we tend to ignore. Ever wonder why that is?

I think that society is used to having other people think for them. We look to other “experts” to fix all of our problems, before we even try to fix them ourselves. We’re so used to it that we don’t believe in our own intuition, our own common sense, or our own strength.

So many people believe that the world is the way it is, and too bad – suck it up. Get a job, get married, have kids, pay debts, watch TV at night, then die. After the barrage of traditional education, our natural love of learning and our burgeoning talents are squashed so we can be molded into society’s workforce.

I know this because it happened to me. All I wanted to do as a youth was be a writer and a musician, perhaps a photographer. Somehow along the way I became a retail worker and then took the completely wrong subjects in college – multimedia, and later on I took a vet assistant course. Do I do either of these things now? No. Do I do anything remotely akin to my original passions? No. I did take photography courses after high school, but it was much more expensive to take photos back then – the world was not digital yet. I felt daunted for many reasons – societal pressures, my own mental decline, limiting beliefs.

I have given up on so many things – snowboarding (after breaking my arm and having no money to continue, I gave up), surfing (always was convinced I was unathletic and would never improve), and countless other things.

I could have been amazing at all of these things if I had kept positive and kept at it. Back then, though, I was not positive, at all. I was also very unhealthy. I would have brief moments of optimism, and then crumble.

I lament my youth so often -  I would so love to go back in time with the knowledge I have now. The thing is, I am still young. I can still do whatever I want,  I can still do all of those things, and I can still do them when I’m old and pink (you think I’ll ever be grey? Please.)

I am not using any of these as excuses – just examples of how I could whine about wasted opportunities instead of changing the reality of what I do now, in this moment.

Reality is what you sculpt it into. Forever and always. The people who escape horrible situations get out of them because they believe they can – or they would never try. I’m sure my situations (and yours) are a lot easier to overcome.

Welcome to your imagination, sweetheart.

~~

Man, there are too many good reality quotes – enjoy:

There are no facts, only interpretations.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.
Jim Morrison

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
Lily Tomlin

Few people have the imagination for reality.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.
Anais Nin

There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do.
Anais Nin

Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality.
Chuck Palahniuk

Whatever you believe with feeling becomes your reality.
Brian Tracy

There’s no reality except the one contained within us. That’s why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within them to assert itself.
Hermann Hesse

Gaaaaahh so good. That last one is my favourite. I should read these for hours – inspiration to the max.

For a great book about changing your reality and finding freedom, check out How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World: A Handbook for Personal Liberty – by Harry Browne (what I am currently reading). The next books on my list this month are Free by Katherine Hibbert and Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously by Osho.

January: Progress Report

Hello! It has been a few days.

I am dealing with some seasonal depression, and actually I plan to do a whole post about that in the near future. I know some great tactics and am excited to share them. It can be a battle but it is easily won with a good strategy.

Right now I just wanted to give an update on my progress – via the chart I use and about the books I have chosen to read this year.

So for January, my four focuses were: Diet, Writing, Art, and Blogging (originally this was BIKING, but I do not have a great bike and it has been rainy and gross – not my priority lately). Obviously I failed on the art front – heh. But I am pretty happy with the writing! I wrote every day – either here, another blog, or my hard-copy journal. Soon enough I want to focus on writing fiction, but for now I just want to get USED to writing every day, and then I will move on from there. I also have been toying with the idea of freeing up more time to focus on writing, but that may wait for a couple of months.

My diet, which has changed a lot from the previous 4 years I’ve been raw, has been pretty good though a spell of very cold weather threw me off. I started to eat soup from Whole Foods, and a lack of sleep over a 2 week period threw me into a massive meltdown and I was binging in the evening. A lack of sunlight also starts to get to me this time of year – which is why I think it is bad to make new years resolutions when you live in the northern hemisphere! (I actually wrote about this in the previous incarnation of this blog – you can read it here – along with other old posts if you like!)

Even on the days where I have eaten some cooked food, I kept it vegan and low-fat. The repercussions really sunk in a few days ago and I am back on track 100%. The diet is only one aspect of my health goals, so sleep, light, and exercise are all priorities as well.

The changes I have seen this month due to low-fat raw vegan: improved skin (candida issues) – less redness and dryness, reduced weight (10 lbs in the first two weeks – mostly water weight from cutting out salt), more clarity, more motivation, clear sinuses, more energy, happier spirit. The only things that really screwed me over was being a zombie from short, interrupted sleeps.

In February, my focuses are still writing and diet – though this month I am also adding in exercise and again, blogging – more specific I want to focus on THIS blog, and writing in it often.

I really like how my chart looks. I use watercolours to mark my days off. If you want your own copy you can download it here.

~~

As for my book selections for January – easy! I read The 80/10/10 Diet by Douglas Graham, plus his book Nutrition and Athletic Performance. These books are dynamite! Highly recommended.

I also read this month: The Raw Vegan Coach by Frederic Patenaude, Atlas of the Human Heart by Ariel Gore, Raw and Beyond by Victoria Boutekno, Chad Sarno, and Elaina Love, Grain Damage by Douglas Graham, and Psyche in a Dress by Francesca Lia Block. I have also started some others but am still working on them.

With the exception of Raw and Beyond (which was just okay) these were all amazing books.

I feel very lucky to have an uncorrected proof of Danielle LaPorte’s new book The Fire Starter Sessions – two months before its release. I love this woman and have been waiting for this book to come out! Working in a bookstore has its perks!

~~

How are you doing with your new goals so far this year? Do you have any strategies you use to keep on track?

The reason I focus so much on health is because when I feel my best, I do my best, and I have the energy and motivation to go after the things I love. Makes sense, right?