Despite my lovely lifestyle, I still get hella depressed at times, sometimes to the point where I do not want to go on, I see no point, and I get anxious over the simplest things.
I thought these days were over, and for a long time, they were.
Last year when depression resurfaced I really didn’t understand, but then the sun came back and I left a situation I was unhappy with (a job) and then I started to feel perky again.
This time around, I am up and down on a daily basis – sometimes going from complete desolation to exhilaration. I often have to force myself to do things, even when I am freaking out inside. I fall apart over looking bloated. I get terrified to do things that make me the most happy. I lose myself in other worlds in print and onscreen.
Imagining what I would be like if I did NOT eat how I do is SCARY AS HELL. I don’t even know if I would be alive. I would definitely not be working, or in a relationship, or lithe, or youthful looking, or motivated. I would be a gloomy curmudgeon buried in her blankets in bed with boxes of Tim Tams and Reeces wrappers, ordering cheap pizza so I wouldn’t have to leave the house. I would be a snarly, snappy succubus. I would probably be on anti-psychotics, always weeping, with dark circles and wan skin. I’d hide from the world, be on welfare or disability, and I would be a screamer, biting heads off everyone.
That is basically how I was before I hit my turning point, and I can totally see myself getting worse - I cling to my lifestyle now because I cannot go down that road again. I have periods of glumness, but they don’t last long. My moods ebb and flow like moon tides, and I know there is a smiling beauty behind the stern glower in the mirror. I know there is a ball of flames behind the clouds. Having clean blood and strong energies move through me helps negativity detox more quickly, and my anti-depressants are cherries and hemp seeds. Instead of seeing enemies everywhere, I see beauty in human flaw. I am the nicest misanthrope you will ever meet. I love people and hate society, and that makes me able to see the world as complicated instead of just a complete disaster.
I know that when I am happy, it is real, and not from a manufactured substance. I know it’s because my brain is getting the sugar it needs, and my body is fresh and clear with nourishment from the earth – when it all runs properly, happiness is natural.
And when I just can’t feel it, I have some raw chocolate. I don’t have it too often, but on occasion it can really help me get out of a funk. Better than Xanax!