A Hiatus Halted

Greetings!

I have been absent for a while, with good reason. I have had a fairly intense first quarter of 2013.

Starting with a long-term relationship ending, then a month-long trip to Thailand and Australia, then reintegrating back into work and life…tiring! I am glad to be where I am, though a lot of me is missing my adventures and freedom from responsibility.

When I find myself resenting having to work, or monotony of necessary chores, I quickly remind myself that i could be digging in a sapphire mine in Madagascar for $2 a day, or working a ping-pong show in Phuket – what would I prefer? My lovely job at a wonderful bookstore, obviously. I view it as a meditation. A trade for experience.

I would gladly trade my time for experiences like the photos here. When I buy something, I think to myself: would I work 3 hours in exchange for this? Would I work 2 weeks in exchange for this?

My dad taught me this trick – to view things you buy in terms of time spent, not money spent. And to me, my time is precious. I don’t get to live forever, and I wish I could. So if I am gonna have to work, I am gonna use the money wisely. I don’t always, but generally I do, and when people say I am lucky to travel for a month…well…am I? Or did I save my money for 2 years and not buy dumb shit? Am I lucky to afford a fresh healthy diet? Not really. I managed to even when I made minimum wage and worked part-time. I just choose to go without things I do not need. I have even given up on buying books, which for me is CRAZY.

I feel a lightness when I think this way, and enjoy the simplicity of my job. I like the freedom it ALLOWS me, not what it takes away.

Here’s to my next journey!

~

Photos taken at Elephant Nature Park, an elephant sanctuary in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

More posts coming SOON.

I Wanna Be an Airhead

It’s so nice when you can stop thinking.

Often, I get so wrapped up in my head, and I know I am not alone. I focus on other people instead of myself, a LOT. In regards to their place in my life, I mean.

I also focus on so many things that upset me in the world. I focus on negative shit, way too much, way more than I want to.

I had this problem totally BEAT for a while, years ago, but that was when I was single and focused 100% on ME.

And so now, dealing with so many crazy things, I feel more unhealthy, more unstable, but still, I don’t like to give up on people that I care for, nor do I want to give up on myself.

And so, I try, often, to empty my mind.

I had an epiphany one evening, months ago, when I couldn’t stop thinking about a particular issue in my life. I thought, “Why do I have to think about this all the time?!” As in, I HAD to think about it…well, is that really true?

No. All of a sudden I thought, “I don’t HAVE to think about this….” And I started to laugh.

Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Another way I try to empty my head is via Eckhart Tolle, which is to realize that there is a part of your thought process where you are LISTENING to your thoughts – the voice in your head – what part of your brain is actually LISTENING, actively to that? If you can CONSCIOUSLY become that listener…the thoughts miraculously vanish – it’s eerie! It doesn’t usually last too long, but if you practice, it gets longer and longer, and you can just re-align with that listening stance. I implemented this when I was heartbroken years ago, exhausted from thoughts of my lost love. I wanted respite so badly.

And recently, I have wished for a brain full of nothing, a head full of air. And so I picture it – I visualize with every inhalation, that my skull is being filled with air like a shiny balloon, as if there were no brain there at all. I imagine this empty, serene SPACE in my head, and I can keep focusing on this image because I keep imagining the air filling it as I breathe in every time.

Try it – being an airhead isn’t my ideal state, but at times, it is like, totally soothing.

~~~

Image by Jason Levesque.

How NOT to Deal With Hard Times

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed?

+ Sleep less. Who needs it? You should be up and worrying constantly, because that always helps matters.

+ Believe everything you think. Especially if you are bashing yourself and convinced you are the scum of the earth. Don’t EVER question your thoughts!

+ Deny yourself the things you need to be content. Always put others before yourself.

+ Keep “friends” around who drag you down, or who constantly entangle you in their awesome bullshit!

+ Party hard, at all times. Make sure you make your life more “interesting” by adding in lots of drugs and alcohol.

+ Lead a double life. Keep secrets from your loved ones.

+ Make sure you confide in strangers, but not people you love. OH, and convince yourself that you have no one in your life that will care.

+ Tell everyone that you’re FINE. Pretend like you are. No need to burden anyone else with your problems!

+ Force yourself to go to work, or be social, when you really need to rest and be alone.

+ Eat tons of crappy food! That will squash down the real emotions so you don’t have to deal with them. Also you will have less energy so you can sleep more and avoid dealing with your issues!

+ Lay in bed all day, don’t do anything. Exercise is totally detrimental to your well-being.

+ Take tons of drugs so you can have LESS clarity. No one wants to think clearly when they already don’t want to be in their own heads.

+ Don’t read anything helpful – spiritual teachers aren’t insightful at all. Byron Katie? Eckhart Tolle? Pema Chodron? Don Miguel Ruiz? They’re totally in it for the money.

+ Keep everything locked inside. Don’t express yourself. Art is a no-no. Watch tons of TV instead.

+ NEVER write in a journal!

+ Forget counseling – ask your biased friends for feedback. OH, and promptly ignore it, especially if everyone is giving you the same advice.

+ Stay away from all friends. And whatever you do, don’t be around animals.

+ If you have any energy at all, deplete it. Don’t use it to lavish yourself with care and love.

+ Being inside four walls is important! Nature will not help you. Nature wants you to suffer…right?

+ Stay in your bad relationship, soul-crushing job, miserable situation. You’re a trooper, you can totally put up with it.

~~~

Obviously this is all bullshit – do the opposite of all this and you can probably get through anything.

Lots of love to you in stressful times. Be clear and concise with everyone, especially yourself. Mercury is in retrograde – even if you don’t believe in Astrology, I find that this particular time really affects people, whether they realize it or not. And like me, many people pay attention to Mercury Retrograde even without paying attention to anything else in Astrology! It’s hard to ignore, once you know it exists.

Be gentle with yourself. You are important, or you wouldn’t be alive.

~~~

Screenshot from the old film Possession. Been feeling like this scene lately!

Raw: A Guide to Chaos

If you have trouble sticking to a raw food path, you may be lacking in other areas of your life.

It’s very important to be fulfilled in all the ways that are important to you. You might not even know you’re unhappy.

Are you getting enough nature, affection, touch, sex? Are you totally bored at your job? Do you have interests at all?! Do you read books, see friends, go dancing, get hugs, create beauty? Are you excited about living on a regular basis? Are you learning things, or just being a drone and wading through life?

Don’t wade: it’s much better to dive right in.

Food is such a constant thing – we eat it so often, and it can be soothing, even if it’s as simple as having something warm. But food will never fill any other gaps – any holes in your life will not be filled by “comforting” foods – those holes must be filled with WHAT THEY ARE MISSING.

I have noticed over the last couple of years that whenever I slip up, it is because I am lacking something else important to me. This only became apparent to me recently – and so I am writing about it in case you haven’t made this connection for yourself.

In the most basic of ways, you may simply be lacking nutrition – this is why it’s so easy to devour immense amounts of processed foods – your brain is not satisfied because there is zero nutrient value. So it keeps being hungry, and you’re only full when you are literally stuffed.

You need to feed yourself with everything beautiful, with food and life, with everything important to you. Don’t settle for less – if you do, you will either lead a very dull life and regret it at the end, or you will be so repressed that you will explode all over the place. The second choice is better, but the best choice is to notice what you are missing, and go looking for it.

Eternal Youth

Secrets to Youthfulness!

1. While you are actually, chronologically young, don’t poison yourself with dumb shit every week. If you must experiment, do it rarely, and be wary of what you choose to try. Be vegan. Eat mostly raw fruits and vegetables.

2. Do this when you are older, too. What you put in your body has the most influence on your energy levels and how quickly you age (physically AND mentally).

3. Get sunshine, but not too much.

4. Sleep. A lot.

5. Value free time + relaxation over money, and have a job or lifestyle that corresponds to that.

6. PLAY. Keep your youthful attitude. This doesn’t mean being immature in your responsibilities, but avoid becoming “serious” just because you’ve grown up.

7. Explore, as much as possible.

8. Be curious about EVERYTHING. SOAK up information – if you are in school, get the hell out and learn on your own. Your passion for learning will increase x 1000.

9. Work as little as possible for others and spend your time doing the work you are meant to do, whether it be painting, skateboarding, or activism.

10. Move. Your. Body. I don’t mean exercise, but find something you love that makes you use what you’ve got.

11. Have as much sex as possible with someone you LOVE (or at least totally adore!)

12. Have animals around you to cuddle.

13. Partake in things like waterslides and amusement parks.

14. Make sure you have a hobby that originated in your childhood. There’s a reason you loved it – don’t lose it.

15. Keep playing with your appearance. Don’t conform, ever.

16. Hang around other fun, playful people. Toss aside the boring ones, or force them to go do crazy things with you.

 

 

 

Mild Anxiety Strategies

Photo of me by Pamm

I used to suffer from major, crazy anxiety, panic attacks, etc. When I went on a raw food diet, my psyche calmed, and I was much better equipped to deal with shit that happened, or imagined terrors. I had way more confidence and joy.

I do still have a mild form of anxiety – I think it is mainly due to being accustomed to solitude – over the last 3 years I have gotten used to living on my own, being with someone who is a loner, and generally fading out of a social scene I had gotten burnt out on.

So now, especially in summer, when there are tons of things I want to do, I freeze. When I make plans, I sometimes chicken out at the last moment or the night before, dreaming up some mishaps that could occur, or problems I don’t want to deal with.

These could be as asinine as: “what if there is no parking and I have to PAY for it? What if it’s expensive! What if I don’t see anyone I know? What if I hate it? What if there is traffic, it’s hot out and I have no air conditioning! What if I look fat! I look bloated today!”

Yesterday I almost bailed out on something I look forward to all year, the Zombie Walk – my boyfriend and my friend bowed out, and so I thought “Oh god, I don’t want to go by myself!” My back is messed up … but it’s only walking. I certainly did not want to drive downtown and pay park, and I started to get nervous about being dressed as a zombie on transit. I didn’t want to be the only one.

Then my brain said, “When have you EVER cared about people thinking you look weird? You usually revel in it!”

And that’s when I knew I really didn’t care, and that I would go anyway. I remembered how fun it was to go out and make people stare.
Even as I left the house, I felt like it might rain – and I went back inside. I said, “NO! You are just looking for excuses not to go! Stop it!” and I locked the door and walked to the bus stop. I got waved at by a laughing Asian man, and the bus driver liked my outfit. She knew where I was going.

Then of course, as I departed the skytrain into the city, there was one other girl I spotted, bloody and beautiful, and I said she looked great. Immediately I made a new friend and then several more once we arrived.

My anxiety was for nothing  – the weather was perfect, I had a fantastic time, and my boyfriend even made an appearance to come and greet me when I walked near his building.

Photo by Thomas Jay Bruyere

So my strategy to deal with these things is this:

1. Ask yourself if you are just LOOKING for reasons to avoid something.

2. Pressure yourself to ignore those thoughts, especially if you know later you will regret not attending something or doing something that you know you’d love.

3. Realize that soon you will be an old fogie and you will have wished you made the most of your life, and that time does not include sitting around watching torrents of old TV shows.

4. Just turn off your brain and DO IT ANYWAY. This is the thing that has helped me the most. I just completely ignore all the dumb reasons NOT to do something. Even if I can’t think of reasons TO do something (other than I’d like to) I ignore the bad thoughts and run towards the destination regardless. Whatever happens will happen. And whatever does, I will DEAL WITH IN THAT MOMENT. Like you would ANYWAY, worrying or not.

The Importance of Obsession

I think that to get the most out of life you have to be obsessed with what you love.

Otherwise you just dip your feet in, get them damp, then dry off – boring. Fucking dive in, man. Get soaked. Be completely drenched. Immerse yourself until you are absolutely covered, annihilated by your dreams. Let them overtake you.

Do you notice that the people you admire are the ones who obsess over what they do? It’s never the people who sort of have a dalliance with something they kinda like – those people tend to be mocked. The really admirable ones are the ones who obsess, who swallow their passion whole, without teeth, but who will bite down on something as soon as it appears so it won’t escape.

They will stay up for days, not eat, and will sustain themselves purely on what they love. They will ignore all else. They will live off scraps so they have all time to themselves.

They give up the less important things. They only hang out with people who support them. The ones who don’t, get spat upon or laughed at, or simply brushed off. Whatever, you say, my life, my love, is most important – otherwise what am I here for?!

You may live for something completely different than everyone else, but you have a passion, a talent – even if it’s for something you think is not “important” – just know what it is you love, and what it is you obsess over – and let it take over your brain.

For me, if i have something i love, it’s all i focus on. It could be a person, a book, a drawing, a project – and the things that get forgotten about are things that fall aside, to make room for the important fascinations – the ones that always return, even if i take a break – the ink drawings, the delectable words of books, the luscious fruits, the crashing waves, the prose and memoirs, the dogs with their wiggling butts. They are all my heart-thumping obsessions.

Sometimes, like anyone, i forget them – either I am so tired I zombify, or I am deadened by winter. I start to think nothing matters. But when I constantly barrage myself with inspiration, at all times, I then recall my former passion.

When you are forgetful, this is when it is most important to obsess. When you are depressed, this is when it is most important to treat yourself with the utmost care.

When you really want to do something, and it’s not natural to you, you MUST obsess or you will not make it natural – things become fluid and easy when you just throw yourself in, all or nothing. Breathe it, inhale it, suffocate in it. It will become as ingrained as a cavity. It may fade, and if it does, just push yourself off that cliff again and save yourself with immersion.

Pursuing your passions is part of this – to deny yourself your lifeblood, your brain candy, is like telling the universe to fuck off.

I realized last night that all religions are based on the fear of death – none of us want to die, and so we focus (if that person has a religion) on how to live “properly” so that we can have a nice afterlife, because we don’t want to die. We’re all terrified of it. In order to transcend death, leave your legacy behind – do something with the life you have – even if you transcend death, you will no longer have a physical body to enjoy earthly pleasures. Even if you reincarnate, you will be a different being with a different experience.

And so, who you are now – you must express that. You are only YOU, once. In THIS body, once.

Obsess, create, love, in only the way YOU can, right now, this lifetime.

the one and only life

Every moment made vivacious.

Every drop of food sustenance or pleasure.

Every cent towards adventure or basic necessity, or complete and utter ambrosia.

Every second an education.

Every word uttered: useful or interesting, funny or poignant.

Every kiss passionate, every touch meaningful.

Every lover ravaged.

Every hug savoured.

Every dream attempted.

Every creature respected and treasured.

Life a grand playground, dreams a decadent escapade, every atom inhaled used to chew the marrow of the day.

No WHAT Without WHY

Wants are going to fizzle out, or go nowhere, without WHYS.

What do you want? Why do you want it?

I always wanted to be happier, healthier, fitter – but I never stuck to it until I had a real reason, and one that was really important to me – or even a life or death thing, like changing my diet.

I had no degenerative disease (that I know of, but things percolate for years before showing up, usually) but I was so mentally distressed that I was at a point of wanting to kill myself, which had never crossed my mind before. I didn’t really want to die but sometimes it was so incessant that I really believed I did.

So there was my reason – I wanted to live, and in order to do that, I had to get healthy, and I knew my diet was the place to start.

But now, my goal is to be even healthier. In fact, last night I realized my goal was to be “Healthy as FUCK.”

But why? Why am I suddenly able to stick to an exercise routine, especially jogging/running which tends to bore me after 5 minutes? I can push past it now and enjoy it.

This is a really good thing to break down for ANY aspiration you may have – be like an obnoxious toddler and ask WHY until you get to the DEEPEST reason.

I already know why I want to eat well. So, why do I want to be fit?

To be healthier, leaner, stronger, more youthful. For longevity.

Why?

So I can live longer to experience more. So I can say YES to anything and be able to keep up. So I can look great for a very long time. So I will be self-sufficient and mobile until I die. So I can escape people who want to harm me. So I can be capable and independent.

Why?

So I can experience more. To be happy. So I can take part in more things without getting tired. Self-confidence.

Why?

So I feel like I am really living.

Why?

To feel free.

Generally all my goals come down to the same thing: Freedom.

And why do I want freedom? Because I want to really live – this flips back and forth: really living, freedom, really living, freedom, etc.

So I know those are my base reasons for doing pretty much everything.

I learned this method a long time ago in a little class I took, and we ended up writing our “Why” words on wooden boards (mine was Freedom), and then over a half hour we revved ourselves up and learned how to break the boards with our hands. Once you do that, you feel like you can do anything! I kept that board for years, and it was a good reminder that my ultimate goal was freedom, so I can do all the things I REALLY love to do.

I am not completely free – true freedom in North America is a complete illusion – but I am definitely on my way, and I have a lot more freedom than most people I know, because I focus on it.

To know the WHY is a good way to figure out if your desires and pursuits are even worthy of your time. Your base reasons may be completely frivolous and you won’t even know it – you may realize that you want something for such a backwards reason – like buying shoes because you want to be loved, or wanting to go sky-diving so people think you are brave, but those are not really things you want to do for your SELF.

So what is your WHY?

Revelation : You Don’t Have to Think

When you find yourself, like I did, the other day, with thoughts that will just not leave you alone, with thoughts that scream at you, pester you, and cling to you like all eight octopus legs, smothering and suffocating you – you may be hit with an epiphany. The thought “UGH, I am so tired of thinking about this” led me to answering myself:

“You don’t HAVE to think about it, you know.”

I sort of thought to myself, “What? Huh…that’s true.” And with that, my mind cleared and my body relaxed. I sunk deeper into my pillow, further into my bones. I pushed those worries aside and chose to think other things. I didn’t HAVE to worry. I didn’t HAVE to obsess. I didn’t HAVE to linger.

And I could sleep.

~

A really amazing practice to “stop thinking” was introduced to me via The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (I must admit I never finished the book) – you know when you are thinking endlessly, and it feels like you cannot control your thoughts – but you just want to turn them off?

Well, think “I wonder what my next thought will be?” and then wait for it. You are now in the “listening” part of your mind – when you assimilating with that area of your consciousness, and you start to be the LISTENER…your thoughts VANISH. It’s weird. When I did it, initially, it didn’t last for a huge length of time. But it was enough to  give me some reprieve. I was heartbroken and wanted so badly to not think of that asshole, to just have some peace, even for a minute.

It works, and it works well.

Anytime you are sick of thinking, turn off your brain this way. Choose your thoughts.

Realize you don’t HAVE to think at all. You can just dream.