Some Photos From Thailand and Australia

If you’ve been reading a while, you will know that I went overseas in February for a month!

I had never been to Asia, and nor had I traveled alone to this extent. It was glorious and much-needed. A huge treat and confidence booster. I cannot recommend either country enough. I am in love with Thailand, and already adored Australia. Here are my favourite pictures that were taken on my journey.

In Pai on the bamboo bridge, Northern Thailand.

Elephant wash.

Mango feast by the river.

Christy, Colleen, and I in Chiang Mai’s Night Bazaar.

At the waterfalls of Doi Suthep.

My most favourite gimpy dog, Gimpy (I can’t remember her real Thai name). In Pai. I wanted to take this dog home!!

Eating watermelon on the deck of my hut. It was about $15.50 a night. With that view out the back.

 

My SUGARCANE JUICE totally matches my bag, woah. Sunburn in full effect.

Nai Harn Beach, Phuket.

Me and my pal Gilles. He’s 8. He reminded me of Bart Simpson – sweet but bratty!

Me and Baby in Mai Khao, Phuket. She followed me to the beach when I got to where I was staying. The sun was in our eyes.

By a beach fire in north Phuket.

Me and Jasmine, who was there with her boyfriend Karolis, staying at the same huts on the beach as me. They were early 20s from the UK, super nice.

Melbourne:

Effin’ pool party! Shannan and Mahala in the back (I stayed with Shannan).

Me and Shannan at Dandenong Ranges. Like my shirt? Fruit thought-bubbles! Also…the shirt says “Little Miss Dirty Mind.” What a damn perfect shirt.

Me at St. Kilda’s Beach. It was hella windy.

Shannan and Mahala at the beach on our road trip down Great Ocean Road.

Moi.

GOBS of street art in Melbourne. TONS.

A Hiatus Halted

Greetings!

I have been absent for a while, with good reason. I have had a fairly intense first quarter of 2013.

Starting with a long-term relationship ending, then a month-long trip to Thailand and Australia, then reintegrating back into work and life…tiring! I am glad to be where I am, though a lot of me is missing my adventures and freedom from responsibility.

When I find myself resenting having to work, or monotony of necessary chores, I quickly remind myself that i could be digging in a sapphire mine in Madagascar for $2 a day, or working a ping-pong show in Phuket – what would I prefer? My lovely job at a wonderful bookstore, obviously. I view it as a meditation. A trade for experience.

I would gladly trade my time for experiences like the photos here. When I buy something, I think to myself: would I work 3 hours in exchange for this? Would I work 2 weeks in exchange for this?

My dad taught me this trick – to view things you buy in terms of time spent, not money spent. And to me, my time is precious. I don’t get to live forever, and I wish I could. So if I am gonna have to work, I am gonna use the money wisely. I don’t always, but generally I do, and when people say I am lucky to travel for a month…well…am I? Or did I save my money for 2 years and not buy dumb shit? Am I lucky to afford a fresh healthy diet? Not really. I managed to even when I made minimum wage and worked part-time. I just choose to go without things I do not need. I have even given up on buying books, which for me is CRAZY.

I feel a lightness when I think this way, and enjoy the simplicity of my job. I like the freedom it ALLOWS me, not what it takes away.

Here’s to my next journey!

~

Photos taken at Elephant Nature Park, an elephant sanctuary in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

More posts coming SOON.

The Glory of Change

A year of changes already.

A long-term relationship over, the great barrier to my full self – I feel a great freedom at last.

The last months have been full of zest and anxiety, January was so harsh and tumbled that I dare not post, I could not really concentrate on anything, except moving on, moving forward, escape.

I have been so fully focused on me, so I could do hard things, hurt someone I care for deeply, and be a voracious vixen once again. It took a lot of courage, I pushed past my comfort zone, and now I do again.

I am off to the other side of the world, to eat copious amounts of tropical fruit, play with dogs, lay on the most epic beaches, read books of substance, swim, float, write, get massaged, explore, visit friends, sweat, turn even further inward, find that place in myself that was lost, and most importantly, turn wild again.

Freedom has always been the most important thing to me – the freedom to be fully myself, in any situation.

I am now in a good headspace, but I know it can be even better. Now is a month of succulence, melty feelings, and bikinis.

A New Year? Who Cares? Life Resolutions.

Getting Tattooed, Dec.22/12 – My Birthday.

I intend for this year to be my year of freedom.

To break ties with things and people (at least in certain ways) that do not allow me to be my fullest self.

I do not blame ANYONE other than me for feeling like a watered-down version of my True Self (and I have been reading about this, sort of, through someone’s graphic novel version of her own therapy, and it is poignant – I love the word poignant).

I think that ALL of my anxiety over the last year stems from the anxiety of ONE issue, one that has been gnawing at me for a year or more. It is time to deal with it and move on, despite how painful it will be.

I have some resolutions/goals, etc, for the year. I don’t like making typical “resolutions” as they don’t tend to stick. The main one is a LIFE resolution, and really the entire point of my new tattoo.

I also want to get the word “Free” tattooed on me. I want constant reminders. And I think that knowing I am creating my own cages is really what is driving me mental – it’s always me, of course, I blame no one else.

LIFE RESOLUTION: To be my True Self. To feel free, in whatever choices I make. To LIVE, fully, always, and never let money get in the way.

Stumbled on this a few moments ago and it is so perfectly in tune with my current mindset. I must read Alan Watts, as I have meant to for several years and he keeps being pressed into my consciousness from several directions.

I also have some goals:

+ To get back into photography. Every time I see someone’s gorgeous photos, or them walking with their cameras (and obviously GOOD cameras, that take vivid, wonderful shots) it makes me wonder why the hell I stopped. Also, I would not charge people for photos, unless they hired me. Ever. Not digital ones, anyway.

+ To make my blog into an actual money-accruing website. My step-dad knows how to do this, and offered to help me. I had no idea. I lost interest in learning how to “make websites” in terms of coding and whatnot, long ago. I find it dull.

+ To travel, despite money and despite anxiety.

+ To get a VAN, and have it be my little caravan all over the place, a mobile bedroom.

+ To produce large ink drawings, life-size portraits, full-body.

+ To finish my zine, which should be complete VERY soon. I keep saying that but it’s almost done.

+ To begin writing my novel. It’s been in my head forever.

+ To have as much intense, passionate sex as possible.

+ To read more books than blogs or FB posts.

+ To intricately chronicle my life in my journal (I have been doing this, it is wonderful – I always have, but not in such exquisite detail).

+ To stay on a fruity diet, as that is when I feel best. A fancy raw-food diet is easy for me now.

+ To work on my comic.

+ To rid myself of even more STUFF.

+ Write, write, write, write, write.

It seems like a lot, but these are things I want to do with my life, and things i CAN do, especially if I eliminate a lot of distractions. Also, I don’t expect myself to DO all of this in a year. Just start. Just move forward with them all. Then in 10 years or whatever, forever, it will all add up and I will have a lot to show for it.

I have other things I plan on changing, in all other areas of my life. So much needs to change, because I want to align with who I am, totally, utterly. Don’t you?

Wildling Manifesto

I’ve decided that whatever I do, it has to be wild.

When I think, I must give it a huge push with passion, past my comfort zone, because that’s where the truth lies.

Whatever I create, it must be done with emotion and devotion, so that it speaks on its own without me.

Whatever I write will flow with the weight of my entire heart.

Whatever clothing I buy and wear will scream my soul.

Whatever love I give will be mighty and knock you down.

Whatever sex I have will be banshee-powerful – lust will sweat out and creep into the pores of my lover, assimilate.

Whatever kissing I do will be fiery and ecstatic, deep and longing. Sharing breath.

When I dance I will close my eyes and let music pulse my heart instead of blood.

I will decorate myself like a gypsy pixie grungy macabre demon pin-up tart, because it’s all me, what else can I do?

I will yell wildly, but only love, or ferocious anger.

I will be as kind as a person can be, because that is the most powerful and freeing.

I will fuck in forests and plunge deeply into mountain pools. I will ride the scariest rides and spill face-first down muddy slopes and water-slides.

When I eat I will devour, I will groan and fully taste each morsel. I will eat in a way that lets this crazy energy flow through me.

I will run just to feel wind.

I’ll live with my mind open. I will look into the eyes of whomever I meet. No small talk, all large.

When I sleep I will dream the dreams of shamans, the dreams of the fully alive, and the dreams of the dead.

Everything I love will be spoken, if not with voice, then in how I live.

When I cry I will wail, I will gnash my teeth and grieve like the damned.

Full-emotion, “too intense” – but it is the REAL ME, fuck it if it scares you to see someone be fully human. EMBRACE IT.

 

~~

Photo above of Vali Myers

Going Off Raw – Not Worth It!

Crazy Date Monkey

So here’s a confession!

Sometimes, I eat cooked food. And when I do, it’s like an addiction. It’s not good. I act weird. I avoid certain grocery store people who know me as “that raw food girl.” I make sure my landlord doesn’t see me in our shared kitchen. I have one bite of something and then later on drive around like a psychopath looking for a grocery store that is open late so I can have another fix … and then do that all week, until I feel so gross and moronic that I finally stop!

AND THEN, the real horrors…DETOX!

Now lemmee tell you, going through detox over and over again ain’t fun. This is why I’ve never understood drinking alcohol until you get smashed. I have had a hangover – ONCE. YES, I AM THE PERSON WHO MEANT IT WHEN I SAID “NEVER AGAIN!”

On the occasions that I have gone off raw, I always go back. These periods of time don’t last long because I know what I am doing is not in my best interest – there is always something that prompts it, usually a stressful situation, or a winter-deep depression around February (thank Gad for Thailand/Australia trip coming up in Feb. 2013) – and so I set a day for myself and I always stick to it (this is key – set the day, give’r the night before, and say your good-byes!).

Normally I have the same detox symptoms – zits, snotty nose, cough. It’s like a cold. Starts with a tingly throat and there it is. This time, because I was a moron and ate pita bread with hummus for a week, all that gluten had it’s fun with me and I was blowing blood out of my nose. GREAT. If that’s not a sign of bad news, what is?

Other than that, I have had no cold symptoms. My skin got BETTER. What?

Want to know my new secret? I am eating the thing I love most – when I craved something cooked (mostly it was dolmas), I ate something I never, ever tire of – DATE PASTE. Yes, delicious medjools ground up together in a food processor.

I worked extra shifts so I could afford to eat more of them. That is how dedicated I have been – usually I rely on bananas, but I don’t love bananas – so this is key for you, people! Make sure you have the raw foods around you that you LOOOOOOOOVE. In summer it is blueberries, but alas, they are all gone.

This week, I have had the nastiest detox symptom – cold sores. I have not had them in years, ever since originally changing my diet, and this binge of mine at the end of summer (which ended just a couple of weeks ago, though I was still 90% raw), plus a lack of sleep = low-immune system. Couple this with stress and crazy living…yup. Thanks life!

But actually, when I look at it this way (profound insight by writing right this second…?) it’s a blessing. It’s a reminder! Take care of yourself, girl! A big gross reminder that I cannot ignore.

And so, now if I feel the urge to try a bite of bread, or a slurp of soup, I will remember how I feel right now, and I will reach for my box of dates, and devour those instead, knowing that my body will be very happy.

And then I’ll take an effing nap!

Project: Full-Body Regeneration

This is now to be my mindset, my full-attention, my real health journey.

It has been a very swell, continuous journey for 4.5 years. I’ve had bumps, and frankly I am tired of them.

Have you ever heard that all the cells in your body are replaced every 7 years? Well then, I should be well over half-way there, and so clean and wonderful I would have a staggering level of health. I see this in the long-term fruit-lovers, the raw darlings who really do things the right way and barely sway, or do not deviate at all. And this is my true aspiration.

My bumps have been few up until the last year or so, and they’ve been more frequent, and I am fairly sure I know why – there is a lack of pleasure elsewhere in my life, something I am working on – filling myself up with more friendship, passionate fun, and dancing in the moonlight on rocks by the beach, lightning hula-hoops and vibrations from others all around me, long meandering walks in the dark. I am filling myself more, giving myself what I really need, and not holding back. If I feel compelled, I follow, and I am finally unencumbered by anxiety. The last couple of months, pushing through it and having good experience after good experience – this has released me, and I am feeling fuller, more myself, and less inclined to fill a hole with things I know are not ideal for me.

Victoria, BC, Sept. 2012

Once I came to this conclusion, I knew that it was the real reason that I’ve been tempted, because for my first two years of raw foodism, I really never had any desire for cooked food. It was unappealing, it brought me down. But over the last 2, I have had more lapses, because I have had more down moods. I always regret it – the gut-ache, the disappointment in myself.

However, even being very, very high raw, and high-carb (I’d say I am 100% raw, 95% of the time for the last year), my mind has been very clear, and I am able to dig deep into my head, especially once I get it all out on paper. Obsessive writing, documenting, dreaming, hoping. This revelation, of filling other needs with “bad” foods, just came to me a couple of days ago.

Sometimes you just need the right situation, the right JAB, to wake you up, and bring a real spark back to your eyes.

Eating fresh fruits and vegetables, moving your body, sleeping soundly (and enough), copious hydration, loving touches, hugging, friends, dancing – all of these things will keep you young, vivacious, vivid – and most importantly, will allow you to live, fully, instead of just existing.

Never ignore your true needs, whatever they may be. And so, I want to know what sort of joy and bliss I will feel if I am 100% raw, 100% of the time.

Over a period of 7 years, you truly become a new person – who will I be? What will I be capable of? What about you?

What is your highest potential?

I know I want to reach mine, and I only have one life to do it – same as you. Don’t waste it!

Officially Fall

Me at Playland, 2012

Now that autumn has arrived, and I have enjoyed a good chunk of the summer, I am more inclined to write, sit inside, and read.

This summer included some wonderful new habits and revived my love of others…it took some time. I generally go through years-long phases of being social vs. being solitary. A visit to Vancouver Island and a group of friends has brought me out of that shell, and even tempts me to move back over there.

I’ve never had a strong friend-group for a long period of time – there was my friends in school, but it was not common for us to hang out in this group outside of school as we all did not live very close together, and our parents had different levels of strictness.

There was a group of gothy types I had weekly parties with in my late teens, but my social anxiety and strange inclinations took over, I felt paranoid that I was being used for my age (to get booze) and my car, and I retreated.

At my last jobs, there were amazing gaggles of people who would hang out together, but when we left one by one, the gatherings got lesser and lesser, and my interactions seem to be one-on-one (still my favourite), and not the grand jigsaw of all us coming together.

And then there were my island friends, all of whom I met through my first time on IRC, a friend named Allen who knew so many wildly funny and eccentric, goofy, and kind people on the Island, and I very much fell into those people, loved them all, and went as often as I could.

So many of these people moved around, and many are now again in one place – some have moved on, but we all have this connected, group-feel, and it is the only one where I feel completely at ease. Groups have always intimidated me and if there is a large gathering where I only know one or two people, or no one, I completely panic. Large crowds? Don’t even go there. The Olympics in Vancouver 2 years ago…the epicenter was right outside of my work, and I had panic attacks daily.

I would spend every weekend on the Island if I was not saving up for my winter vacation, but I love that a 2-day excursion has revived me. THE FEELINGS.

~~

Other things I’ve done this summer:

+ Read about a billion graphic novels and other books.

+ Beach running.

+ Beach gathering with many raw foods.

+ PLAYLAND + a ride that swings 70 kph at 218 feet in the air (overwhelming).

+ Swimming at the pool with my Dad.

+ Much running with my dog.

+ Fruit, so much fruit. I bought well over 100 lbs of blueberries in a couple of months, and ate them all.

+ Blackberry picking.

+ Waking much earlier than usual, and sleeping more.

+ I actually went out to a club  for the first time in years.

+ Many visits to the farm market, to visit the cows, goats, and donkeys (and buy food).

+ Pet-sitting.

+ Beach jaunts with my dog, who loves to run on the sandbars. She is a Chinese Crested and ends up looking very drowned afterward.

+ Another visit to the island to visit my friend and her son (before her new baby was born). I proceeded to eat much of her garden.

+ Fund-raising and walking for the SPCA.

+ Reminiscing and reliving many moments from teenagedom, and planning out a comic based on those years.

+ So much dog-park.

+ Zombie-walk.

+ Went to see the DJ Richie Hawtin with my boyfriend.

+ Much, much lying in the sun.

AND NOW, it is fall, and still beautiful out. The night is colder, but the days are still bright and bloom with happy. I have many ideas and jaunts planned for fall.

Always make the most of the weather, your friends, your time, your health. It’s so easy to say “You only get one life” and not really reflect on that – this time is not endless, as much as I wish it was. I want to live forever.

Mild Anxiety Strategies

Photo of me by Pamm

I used to suffer from major, crazy anxiety, panic attacks, etc. When I went on a raw food diet, my psyche calmed, and I was much better equipped to deal with shit that happened, or imagined terrors. I had way more confidence and joy.

I do still have a mild form of anxiety – I think it is mainly due to being accustomed to solitude – over the last 3 years I have gotten used to living on my own, being with someone who is a loner, and generally fading out of a social scene I had gotten burnt out on.

So now, especially in summer, when there are tons of things I want to do, I freeze. When I make plans, I sometimes chicken out at the last moment or the night before, dreaming up some mishaps that could occur, or problems I don’t want to deal with.

These could be as asinine as: “what if there is no parking and I have to PAY for it? What if it’s expensive! What if I don’t see anyone I know? What if I hate it? What if there is traffic, it’s hot out and I have no air conditioning! What if I look fat! I look bloated today!”

Yesterday I almost bailed out on something I look forward to all year, the Zombie Walk – my boyfriend and my friend bowed out, and so I thought “Oh god, I don’t want to go by myself!” My back is messed up … but it’s only walking. I certainly did not want to drive downtown and pay park, and I started to get nervous about being dressed as a zombie on transit. I didn’t want to be the only one.

Then my brain said, “When have you EVER cared about people thinking you look weird? You usually revel in it!”

And that’s when I knew I really didn’t care, and that I would go anyway. I remembered how fun it was to go out and make people stare.
Even as I left the house, I felt like it might rain – and I went back inside. I said, “NO! You are just looking for excuses not to go! Stop it!” and I locked the door and walked to the bus stop. I got waved at by a laughing Asian man, and the bus driver liked my outfit. She knew where I was going.

Then of course, as I departed the skytrain into the city, there was one other girl I spotted, bloody and beautiful, and I said she looked great. Immediately I made a new friend and then several more once we arrived.

My anxiety was for nothing  – the weather was perfect, I had a fantastic time, and my boyfriend even made an appearance to come and greet me when I walked near his building.

Photo by Thomas Jay Bruyere

So my strategy to deal with these things is this:

1. Ask yourself if you are just LOOKING for reasons to avoid something.

2. Pressure yourself to ignore those thoughts, especially if you know later you will regret not attending something or doing something that you know you’d love.

3. Realize that soon you will be an old fogie and you will have wished you made the most of your life, and that time does not include sitting around watching torrents of old TV shows.

4. Just turn off your brain and DO IT ANYWAY. This is the thing that has helped me the most. I just completely ignore all the dumb reasons NOT to do something. Even if I can’t think of reasons TO do something (other than I’d like to) I ignore the bad thoughts and run towards the destination regardless. Whatever happens will happen. And whatever does, I will DEAL WITH IN THAT MOMENT. Like you would ANYWAY, worrying or not.

Obsessions Can Lead to Purpose

Zine Art by me (of me), 2000

I’ve been reading a hell of a lot of graphic novels + comics lately – I go through phases where I eschew (well, not totally – I am always reading many things at once) regular reading to let drawings do the talking. This is especially easy since the Vancouver library system has a shit-ton of good graphic novels that I can borrow in bulk.

Once in a while I feel like I am wasting my time on them, but often I find them uplifting, and often so mesmerizing that upon finishing, I hug them to my chest and sigh (I do this with all amazing books). Until the other day, it sort of hit me – all of my passions seemed to coalesce together and I thought…why am I not drawing and writing graphic novels?

My favourite sort are autobiographical – the whole passion for them started years and years ago when I discovered I Never Liked You by Chester Brown and Blankets by Craig Thompson – I’d always liked comics but nothing really captured my heart (except things like Johnny The Homicidal Maniac) – the personal aspect is what really drew my attention.

I’ve always loved coming-of-age stories, memoirs, diaries - I have kept journals since I was 12 (I ripped up the first two unfortunately, but I have many books starting from age 14) – my preferred drawing style is pen-and-ink and I’ve been drawing since I was 2 – I think I’m pretty good.

Latest work, 2011, Yo-Landi

So why didn’t I make this connection before? I’ve even MADE comics. I made many silly, nonsense comics with friends in the late 90s, and I even did a 4-page comic for my boyfriend for our first anniversary.

2010

So, suddenly I thought, wow, I should do autobiographical comics…then I could, write, draw, and I certainly have enough material, detailed material!

I seriously dunno why I haven’t seriously considered it before, but now that I am really into the idea, I feel like it’s the thing I’m meant to do.

Maybe it’s because I’m so clear-headed from how I eat? It’s the happiness that comes from that, and from the copious amount of sun I’ve been getting.

All I know is that I have many project ideas swirling in my brain, now, more than ever before. I get the most flow, groove, and motivation when I am eating REALLY clean. It’s like downloading the universe in one swoop (maybe it was all that lightning we got last night, dancing outside my window).

I still want to write regular fiction, but this is the creative-block-killer that I’ve been needing.

What is your passion? Do you have as many as me? I have so many that it is overwhelming at times and I end up not being able to focus on one and end up doing nothing – that’s why something that incorporates a lot of my interests at once is a relief.