Waste Not

Last night, I wasted my night.
And I cried.

Why do we do this? Why do we just stare into nothing? It’s easier to be so passive, to just get sucked into lame, unimportant things. Society is DESIGNED to be that way, to seduce, confuse, and distract us.

It is actually something we actively have to AVOID.

We must resist the media, the endless drama, the stuff that makes NO impact on our lives.

Spend your time ONLY on things you ADORE.

If you are online, read only the things you are wild about. The things that lift you up and PROPEL YOU OUT THE DOOR, or that WHISK YOU INTO A FRENZY TO CREATE, or that INSPIRE YOU TO BE AMAZING.

But actually GET UP and BE amazing. Don’t just click on the next link, the next channel.

Remember, we only get one life. Explore the earth, explore your mind, take care of yourself, so that you have the energy to LIVE.

I’m going to shut off my laptop unless I’m writing or Skyping, honestly. Or reading something important. Purging everything, now.

The Weirdness of Being Human

Sometimes, I find myself in weird situations.

Like anyone, I guess. But I want to put myself there.

Once in a while, you are just unsure, you know? You sort of want to do something, but aren’t sure you should, or maybe you feel like it’s wrong, or it seems uncouth or deviant or dangerous. Like, “How the hell did I get myself into this?”

When I get in these situations, now, I think to myself, “What is the point of being human, if not to experience things AS a human?”

We are pretty lucky. I mean, as a whole, the human species can be pretty fucking vile. We destroy everything. We cause so much suffering. We are also capable of so much tenderness, beauty, compassion.

When things seem black, I will sometimes feel shame at being human. But it is what I am, and it is what you are.

It baffles me so hard when people are reluctant to try new things. We need to push our comfort zones, always. Other creatures don’t get to do this! We have a privilege. Life is more than a butt on a couch or vanilla sex.

So next time you are in a strange situation, let it happen, and just think to yourself, “Being human is fucking weird, man.” And just go with it. Laugh at it. Sink into the moment. It can be anything from dealing with someone screaming at you in traffic, or gnawing on your nipple.

I mean, do you wanna die tomorrow not having known what it’s like to be in the jungle or screw in the rain? Do you want to see the vistas and valleys from the top of the mountains, or just watch it on tv while you scarf down soda and chips? Do you want a comfortable life, or an exciting adventure?

It’s fine if you want comfort, but when you’re feeble and dying, what will be the thing you look back on with glee and fondness? All your nights with your Xbox, or the time you followed your strange desires? The constant stream of facebook, or the times you pushed your boundaries?

If you do that more often, your life will seem so much richer, so that when you do just chill and rest, it will feel decadent instead of “wasting time.” It will be a decision and not stagnancy.

Go out and live. Do something wild. Be someone you’d be jealous of.

A Hiatus Halted

Greetings!

I have been absent for a while, with good reason. I have had a fairly intense first quarter of 2013.

Starting with a long-term relationship ending, then a month-long trip to Thailand and Australia, then reintegrating back into work and life…tiring! I am glad to be where I am, though a lot of me is missing my adventures and freedom from responsibility.

When I find myself resenting having to work, or monotony of necessary chores, I quickly remind myself that i could be digging in a sapphire mine in Madagascar for $2 a day, or working a ping-pong show in Phuket – what would I prefer? My lovely job at a wonderful bookstore, obviously. I view it as a meditation. A trade for experience.

I would gladly trade my time for experiences like the photos here. When I buy something, I think to myself: would I work 3 hours in exchange for this? Would I work 2 weeks in exchange for this?

My dad taught me this trick – to view things you buy in terms of time spent, not money spent. And to me, my time is precious. I don’t get to live forever, and I wish I could. So if I am gonna have to work, I am gonna use the money wisely. I don’t always, but generally I do, and when people say I am lucky to travel for a month…well…am I? Or did I save my money for 2 years and not buy dumb shit? Am I lucky to afford a fresh healthy diet? Not really. I managed to even when I made minimum wage and worked part-time. I just choose to go without things I do not need. I have even given up on buying books, which for me is CRAZY.

I feel a lightness when I think this way, and enjoy the simplicity of my job. I like the freedom it ALLOWS me, not what it takes away.

Here’s to my next journey!

~

Photos taken at Elephant Nature Park, an elephant sanctuary in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

More posts coming SOON.

Wildling Manifesto

I’ve decided that whatever I do, it has to be wild.

When I think, I must give it a huge push with passion, past my comfort zone, because that’s where the truth lies.

Whatever I create, it must be done with emotion and devotion, so that it speaks on its own without me.

Whatever I write will flow with the weight of my entire heart.

Whatever clothing I buy and wear will scream my soul.

Whatever love I give will be mighty and knock you down.

Whatever sex I have will be banshee-powerful – lust will sweat out and creep into the pores of my lover, assimilate.

Whatever kissing I do will be fiery and ecstatic, deep and longing. Sharing breath.

When I dance I will close my eyes and let music pulse my heart instead of blood.

I will decorate myself like a gypsy pixie grungy macabre demon pin-up tart, because it’s all me, what else can I do?

I will yell wildly, but only love, or ferocious anger.

I will be as kind as a person can be, because that is the most powerful and freeing.

I will fuck in forests and plunge deeply into mountain pools. I will ride the scariest rides and spill face-first down muddy slopes and water-slides.

When I eat I will devour, I will groan and fully taste each morsel. I will eat in a way that lets this crazy energy flow through me.

I will run just to feel wind.

I’ll live with my mind open. I will look into the eyes of whomever I meet. No small talk, all large.

When I sleep I will dream the dreams of shamans, the dreams of the fully alive, and the dreams of the dead.

Everything I love will be spoken, if not with voice, then in how I live.

When I cry I will wail, I will gnash my teeth and grieve like the damned.

Full-emotion, “too intense” – but it is the REAL ME, fuck it if it scares you to see someone be fully human. EMBRACE IT.

 

~~

Photo above of Vali Myers

Eternal Youth

Secrets to Youthfulness!

1. While you are actually, chronologically young, don’t poison yourself with dumb shit every week. If you must experiment, do it rarely, and be wary of what you choose to try. Be vegan. Eat mostly raw fruits and vegetables.

2. Do this when you are older, too. What you put in your body has the most influence on your energy levels and how quickly you age (physically AND mentally).

3. Get sunshine, but not too much.

4. Sleep. A lot.

5. Value free time + relaxation over money, and have a job or lifestyle that corresponds to that.

6. PLAY. Keep your youthful attitude. This doesn’t mean being immature in your responsibilities, but avoid becoming “serious” just because you’ve grown up.

7. Explore, as much as possible.

8. Be curious about EVERYTHING. SOAK up information – if you are in school, get the hell out and learn on your own. Your passion for learning will increase x 1000.

9. Work as little as possible for others and spend your time doing the work you are meant to do, whether it be painting, skateboarding, or activism.

10. Move. Your. Body. I don’t mean exercise, but find something you love that makes you use what you’ve got.

11. Have as much sex as possible with someone you LOVE (or at least totally adore!)

12. Have animals around you to cuddle.

13. Partake in things like waterslides and amusement parks.

14. Make sure you have a hobby that originated in your childhood. There’s a reason you loved it – don’t lose it.

15. Keep playing with your appearance. Don’t conform, ever.

16. Hang around other fun, playful people. Toss aside the boring ones, or force them to go do crazy things with you.

 

 

 

No WHAT Without WHY

Wants are going to fizzle out, or go nowhere, without WHYS.

What do you want? Why do you want it?

I always wanted to be happier, healthier, fitter – but I never stuck to it until I had a real reason, and one that was really important to me – or even a life or death thing, like changing my diet.

I had no degenerative disease (that I know of, but things percolate for years before showing up, usually) but I was so mentally distressed that I was at a point of wanting to kill myself, which had never crossed my mind before. I didn’t really want to die but sometimes it was so incessant that I really believed I did.

So there was my reason – I wanted to live, and in order to do that, I had to get healthy, and I knew my diet was the place to start.

But now, my goal is to be even healthier. In fact, last night I realized my goal was to be “Healthy as FUCK.”

But why? Why am I suddenly able to stick to an exercise routine, especially jogging/running which tends to bore me after 5 minutes? I can push past it now and enjoy it.

This is a really good thing to break down for ANY aspiration you may have – be like an obnoxious toddler and ask WHY until you get to the DEEPEST reason.

I already know why I want to eat well. So, why do I want to be fit?

To be healthier, leaner, stronger, more youthful. For longevity.

Why?

So I can live longer to experience more. So I can say YES to anything and be able to keep up. So I can look great for a very long time. So I will be self-sufficient and mobile until I die. So I can escape people who want to harm me. So I can be capable and independent.

Why?

So I can experience more. To be happy. So I can take part in more things without getting tired. Self-confidence.

Why?

So I feel like I am really living.

Why?

To feel free.

Generally all my goals come down to the same thing: Freedom.

And why do I want freedom? Because I want to really live – this flips back and forth: really living, freedom, really living, freedom, etc.

So I know those are my base reasons for doing pretty much everything.

I learned this method a long time ago in a little class I took, and we ended up writing our “Why” words on wooden boards (mine was Freedom), and then over a half hour we revved ourselves up and learned how to break the boards with our hands. Once you do that, you feel like you can do anything! I kept that board for years, and it was a good reminder that my ultimate goal was freedom, so I can do all the things I REALLY love to do.

I am not completely free – true freedom in North America is a complete illusion – but I am definitely on my way, and I have a lot more freedom than most people I know, because I focus on it.

To know the WHY is a good way to figure out if your desires and pursuits are even worthy of your time. Your base reasons may be completely frivolous and you won’t even know it – you may realize that you want something for such a backwards reason – like buying shoes because you want to be loved, or wanting to go sky-diving so people think you are brave, but those are not really things you want to do for your SELF.

So what is your WHY?

I Want to Do Everything

I need to cast off “jobs” and gain “EXPERIENCES.”

I need to turn sleep into an imagination factory – dreams into drawings, dreams into novels. dreams into music.

I need to bless every second with conscious OOMPH. i need to fire up every moment with a zing that it would not have otherwise – those zings are always there – neurons and atoms and little crazy invisible things happening, if we tune into them we can jump in and  ride their carpets – dancing and flipping cartwheels on top of radio waves.

It’s time to ride the wild ribbons of life, people. put on a cowboy hat and prepare to hang on, because when you are truly living, you end up naked, vulnerable, and absolutely glowing.

Beauty Amongst Chaos

There are days where I just feel flat.

I don’t mean chest-wise (cuz I don’t care) – but just…blargh.

I’ve had a lifetime of teeth issues, and no matter what I eat, I will continue to have issues because of the bombardment my teeth have taken over my life. So I won’t blame fruit, or raw – actually they improved going raw, so there.

Anyway, it was a few weeks of dental appointments, and today I just had enough. I got into a “why me?” mode and said eff it to everything and just binged on kale chips (could be worse…) and sat around watching Sailor Moon and Game of Thrones.

Not really my style. I tend to be a doer, EVEN if I am watching something, I am working on a project of some sort (like my zine that has taken me years – it’s almost done).

Eh, anyway, my point is that even though I get this way at times, I know it’s not going to last. Usually I am upbeat + positive and in a pretty lofty state.

Ever hear that idea that people are afraid of their own power, and that they are more afraid of success than failure? I think I am in that state.

I have this series of books in my head, these amazing characters that I think about all the bloody time – and the idea of writing them scares the crap out of me, because I know they would be epic, and the length and time and care I would need to take in order for them to live up to what I’ve concocted is absolutely daunting.

I have to do it, though. I think about writing sprees all week, when I am working – I feel like when I get home I need to just hunker down and write. But then I get distracted by something – this is the downside of being so fascinated by everything – I am what Barbara Sher calls a “scanner“ – though I do get in states of obsession. When I finally enter that state, I am unstoppable.

I can be obsessed with many things at once – and I get so flustered and baffled at how to do it all that I am overwhelmed, and just end up reading or something. Often I act. This is why I am so in need of work that allows me to be free of a schedule – when not at a typical job, I am constantly working on projects – I don’t feel restrained by time, and so things flow so much more easily. This work needs to be writing! And so, I write, as always. Either here, on paper, fiction, memoirs, letters, little comics, zines, lists – anything. It is constant.

More often in winter is when I get flustered,  from a lack of sunlight and lowered spirits. I know how to combat this now and it is why I have continued with this blog instead of giving up like I have in previous years. I just push, now. I think to myself, “Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks? It doesn’t matter if you feel like poo – write about feeling like poo. Do it anyway, any sort of criticism won’t matter tomorrow, or in the grand scheme of things. None of this matters” – and it really doesn’t. One day, everything anyone has ever created will be gone. We will all die. Humanity will disappear. That does not mean that we should not still procreate and make beautiful songs and books and it does not mean we should not treat one another and ourselves and other creatures with immense kindness and respect. And so I say what I want, and I want others to believe in themselves, too.

We are all really good at something, and anything we love, we can do.

I have always envied the people who can obsess over one thing – they tend to be the most amazing, shining examples, the inspiring ones. But there are others who are great at many things and those are the ones I relate to. When I am really into something, I stick to it, too. I have always stuck with writing, drawing, and within the last few years, healthy eating. If I still lived near waves, I would have stuck with surfing – man, do I miss it.

When it comes down to it, the whole reason I want to be healthy is so I can continue to have the energy and confidence (and happiness) to continue, because otherwise, I will just look at the world and think “Why fucking BOTHER?”

But I know why I bother – because this is reality. We are alive, we’re here now, we might as well enjoy the beauty amongst the chaos. There can never be enough beauty.

~~

“Sometimes I get a little sad, and I feel like being alone. Then I talk to my cat about it, and he reminds me I’m James Franco. Then we dance.” — James Franco

The Desire for Immortality

It’s exhausting and frustrating being interested in (almost) everything.

But I can’t stop.

I wear an ankh necklace for a reason. And I actually want one tattooed on my wrist. As a reminder that I am NOT immortal, and that my time is finite and I need to make the most of every damn minute I have. I don’t really  have time for a “regular” job (but I do try to make the most of my time when I am there, plus I am surrounded by lovely people and masses of knowledge).

So much to do. I know I post about it often, but I really do not understand how anyone can be bored. There is so much to do, see, revel in, taste, smell, drink in, love up, dance upon, swirl in, dive into, fondle, make love to, swim through, feast your eyes on, share with lovers, read, imagine, create.

I get so immersed in things. I read all I can. I want to take part in so many things yet much of what I love doing requires solitude. I don’t go out much anymore and this is going to change. I gotta get out there again and experience real life. Winter is so great for nesting with books and whatnot, but when spring hits I feel renewed and more social. Is it time for me to get amongst my old friends? It’s been about three years that I have been in this modality – I have phases of solitude and massive social behaviour that last a few years at a time.

If I could be immortal, I would be. So many people think it would be a horrid thing. Not me. I want to live as long as possible which is part of my reason for living and eating how I do. Even if our lifespans are getting longer, what is the quality of life for most people living to be really old? Probably not that fantastic. I would rather live a completely badass life and live fewer years than until 120 stuck in a nursing home.

First sign of immortality potion, sign me up.

What are some things I would do if I could live forever?

(I know I can do most of these things anyway)

+ Well first of all, I would write a fuckload of books. Books are my saviour and lifeline and blood and guts.

+ I would want to make films.

+ I’d ride a motorcycle around the world. I’d row across oceans.

+ I’d have a whipsmart band and spew lyrics like a banshee.

+ I would generate the most gorgeous photos I could concoct in my head.

+ I would grow fantastical gardens that take over whole cities.

+ I ‘d have a Pied Piper entourage of dogs.

+ I would have a brood of amazing children who make the world a better place.

+ I’d be the most epic surfer.

+ I’d build a treehouse studio to draw huge beautiful ink portraits.

+ I’d amass a harem of lovers.

+ I would heal as many people and animals as possible.

+ I’d read every beautiful phrase ever written.

+ I’d travel to every country and soak in its luminous qualities.

+ So many countless things I would do. So much I could learn.

Our brains are so endless. We use, what, 10%? I want to fill it up – and I know that is beautifully  impossible. And so I could do it forever, filling and filling until I burst – and that would be my moment of death.

Back to the stars. Back to the ocean. Back to the earth. I am already a part of those things, but having a body and having a mind is the most gorgeous gift of all. Don’t take it for granted.

Live it up.

Boredom is For Old People

Screw age. I’ll always be young.

I don’t care about chronology. I am perpetually sixteen.

When you believe you are youthful, you are.
When you feel like a kid, you are. Your brain allows it.

You are what you think.

If you love the world, you stay innocent. If you give yourself to
life, you are living.

Boredom is for old people. You’re not old. You’ve just forgotten.

~~

I seriously don’t think people “get old” – I think they just get tired, nutritionally deficit, and brainwashed.