A Hiatus Halted

Greetings!

I have been absent for a while, with good reason. I have had a fairly intense first quarter of 2013.

Starting with a long-term relationship ending, then a month-long trip to Thailand and Australia, then reintegrating back into work and life…tiring! I am glad to be where I am, though a lot of me is missing my adventures and freedom from responsibility.

When I find myself resenting having to work, or monotony of necessary chores, I quickly remind myself that i could be digging in a sapphire mine in Madagascar for $2 a day, or working a ping-pong show in Phuket – what would I prefer? My lovely job at a wonderful bookstore, obviously. I view it as a meditation. A trade for experience.

I would gladly trade my time for experiences like the photos here. When I buy something, I think to myself: would I work 3 hours in exchange for this? Would I work 2 weeks in exchange for this?

My dad taught me this trick – to view things you buy in terms of time spent, not money spent. And to me, my time is precious. I don’t get to live forever, and I wish I could. So if I am gonna have to work, I am gonna use the money wisely. I don’t always, but generally I do, and when people say I am lucky to travel for a month…well…am I? Or did I save my money for 2 years and not buy dumb shit? Am I lucky to afford a fresh healthy diet? Not really. I managed to even when I made minimum wage and worked part-time. I just choose to go without things I do not need. I have even given up on buying books, which for me is CRAZY.

I feel a lightness when I think this way, and enjoy the simplicity of my job. I like the freedom it ALLOWS me, not what it takes away.

Here’s to my next journey!

~

Photos taken at Elephant Nature Park, an elephant sanctuary in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

More posts coming SOON.

The Glory of Change

A year of changes already.

A long-term relationship over, the great barrier to my full self – I feel a great freedom at last.

The last months have been full of zest and anxiety, January was so harsh and tumbled that I dare not post, I could not really concentrate on anything, except moving on, moving forward, escape.

I have been so fully focused on me, so I could do hard things, hurt someone I care for deeply, and be a voracious vixen once again. It took a lot of courage, I pushed past my comfort zone, and now I do again.

I am off to the other side of the world, to eat copious amounts of tropical fruit, play with dogs, lay on the most epic beaches, read books of substance, swim, float, write, get massaged, explore, visit friends, sweat, turn even further inward, find that place in myself that was lost, and most importantly, turn wild again.

Freedom has always been the most important thing to me – the freedom to be fully myself, in any situation.

I am now in a good headspace, but I know it can be even better. Now is a month of succulence, melty feelings, and bikinis.

A New Year? Who Cares? Life Resolutions.

Getting Tattooed, Dec.22/12 – My Birthday.

I intend for this year to be my year of freedom.

To break ties with things and people (at least in certain ways) that do not allow me to be my fullest self.

I do not blame ANYONE other than me for feeling like a watered-down version of my True Self (and I have been reading about this, sort of, through someone’s graphic novel version of her own therapy, and it is poignant – I love the word poignant).

I think that ALL of my anxiety over the last year stems from the anxiety of ONE issue, one that has been gnawing at me for a year or more. It is time to deal with it and move on, despite how painful it will be.

I have some resolutions/goals, etc, for the year. I don’t like making typical “resolutions” as they don’t tend to stick. The main one is a LIFE resolution, and really the entire point of my new tattoo.

I also want to get the word “Free” tattooed on me. I want constant reminders. And I think that knowing I am creating my own cages is really what is driving me mental – it’s always me, of course, I blame no one else.

LIFE RESOLUTION: To be my True Self. To feel free, in whatever choices I make. To LIVE, fully, always, and never let money get in the way.

Stumbled on this a few moments ago and it is so perfectly in tune with my current mindset. I must read Alan Watts, as I have meant to for several years and he keeps being pressed into my consciousness from several directions.

I also have some goals:

+ To get back into photography. Every time I see someone’s gorgeous photos, or them walking with their cameras (and obviously GOOD cameras, that take vivid, wonderful shots) it makes me wonder why the hell I stopped. Also, I would not charge people for photos, unless they hired me. Ever. Not digital ones, anyway.

+ To make my blog into an actual money-accruing website. My step-dad knows how to do this, and offered to help me. I had no idea. I lost interest in learning how to “make websites” in terms of coding and whatnot, long ago. I find it dull.

+ To travel, despite money and despite anxiety.

+ To get a VAN, and have it be my little caravan all over the place, a mobile bedroom.

+ To produce large ink drawings, life-size portraits, full-body.

+ To finish my zine, which should be complete VERY soon. I keep saying that but it’s almost done.

+ To begin writing my novel. It’s been in my head forever.

+ To have as much intense, passionate sex as possible.

+ To read more books than blogs or FB posts.

+ To intricately chronicle my life in my journal (I have been doing this, it is wonderful – I always have, but not in such exquisite detail).

+ To stay on a fruity diet, as that is when I feel best. A fancy raw-food diet is easy for me now.

+ To work on my comic.

+ To rid myself of even more STUFF.

+ Write, write, write, write, write.

It seems like a lot, but these are things I want to do with my life, and things i CAN do, especially if I eliminate a lot of distractions. Also, I don’t expect myself to DO all of this in a year. Just start. Just move forward with them all. Then in 10 years or whatever, forever, it will all add up and I will have a lot to show for it.

I have other things I plan on changing, in all other areas of my life. So much needs to change, because I want to align with who I am, totally, utterly. Don’t you?

I Wanna Be an Airhead

It’s so nice when you can stop thinking.

Often, I get so wrapped up in my head, and I know I am not alone. I focus on other people instead of myself, a LOT. In regards to their place in my life, I mean.

I also focus on so many things that upset me in the world. I focus on negative shit, way too much, way more than I want to.

I had this problem totally BEAT for a while, years ago, but that was when I was single and focused 100% on ME.

And so now, dealing with so many crazy things, I feel more unhealthy, more unstable, but still, I don’t like to give up on people that I care for, nor do I want to give up on myself.

And so, I try, often, to empty my mind.

I had an epiphany one evening, months ago, when I couldn’t stop thinking about a particular issue in my life. I thought, “Why do I have to think about this all the time?!” As in, I HAD to think about it…well, is that really true?

No. All of a sudden I thought, “I don’t HAVE to think about this….” And I started to laugh.

Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Another way I try to empty my head is via Eckhart Tolle, which is to realize that there is a part of your thought process where you are LISTENING to your thoughts – the voice in your head – what part of your brain is actually LISTENING, actively to that? If you can CONSCIOUSLY become that listener…the thoughts miraculously vanish – it’s eerie! It doesn’t usually last too long, but if you practice, it gets longer and longer, and you can just re-align with that listening stance. I implemented this when I was heartbroken years ago, exhausted from thoughts of my lost love. I wanted respite so badly.

And recently, I have wished for a brain full of nothing, a head full of air. And so I picture it – I visualize with every inhalation, that my skull is being filled with air like a shiny balloon, as if there were no brain there at all. I imagine this empty, serene SPACE in my head, and I can keep focusing on this image because I keep imagining the air filling it as I breathe in every time.

Try it – being an airhead isn’t my ideal state, but at times, it is like, totally soothing.

~~~

Image by Jason Levesque.

Wildling Manifesto

I’ve decided that whatever I do, it has to be wild.

When I think, I must give it a huge push with passion, past my comfort zone, because that’s where the truth lies.

Whatever I create, it must be done with emotion and devotion, so that it speaks on its own without me.

Whatever I write will flow with the weight of my entire heart.

Whatever clothing I buy and wear will scream my soul.

Whatever love I give will be mighty and knock you down.

Whatever sex I have will be banshee-powerful – lust will sweat out and creep into the pores of my lover, assimilate.

Whatever kissing I do will be fiery and ecstatic, deep and longing. Sharing breath.

When I dance I will close my eyes and let music pulse my heart instead of blood.

I will decorate myself like a gypsy pixie grungy macabre demon pin-up tart, because it’s all me, what else can I do?

I will yell wildly, but only love, or ferocious anger.

I will be as kind as a person can be, because that is the most powerful and freeing.

I will fuck in forests and plunge deeply into mountain pools. I will ride the scariest rides and spill face-first down muddy slopes and water-slides.

When I eat I will devour, I will groan and fully taste each morsel. I will eat in a way that lets this crazy energy flow through me.

I will run just to feel wind.

I’ll live with my mind open. I will look into the eyes of whomever I meet. No small talk, all large.

When I sleep I will dream the dreams of shamans, the dreams of the fully alive, and the dreams of the dead.

Everything I love will be spoken, if not with voice, then in how I live.

When I cry I will wail, I will gnash my teeth and grieve like the damned.

Full-emotion, “too intense” – but it is the REAL ME, fuck it if it scares you to see someone be fully human. EMBRACE IT.

 

~~

Photo above of Vali Myers

How NOT to Deal With Hard Times

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed?

+ Sleep less. Who needs it? You should be up and worrying constantly, because that always helps matters.

+ Believe everything you think. Especially if you are bashing yourself and convinced you are the scum of the earth. Don’t EVER question your thoughts!

+ Deny yourself the things you need to be content. Always put others before yourself.

+ Keep “friends” around who drag you down, or who constantly entangle you in their awesome bullshit!

+ Party hard, at all times. Make sure you make your life more “interesting” by adding in lots of drugs and alcohol.

+ Lead a double life. Keep secrets from your loved ones.

+ Make sure you confide in strangers, but not people you love. OH, and convince yourself that you have no one in your life that will care.

+ Tell everyone that you’re FINE. Pretend like you are. No need to burden anyone else with your problems!

+ Force yourself to go to work, or be social, when you really need to rest and be alone.

+ Eat tons of crappy food! That will squash down the real emotions so you don’t have to deal with them. Also you will have less energy so you can sleep more and avoid dealing with your issues!

+ Lay in bed all day, don’t do anything. Exercise is totally detrimental to your well-being.

+ Take tons of drugs so you can have LESS clarity. No one wants to think clearly when they already don’t want to be in their own heads.

+ Don’t read anything helpful – spiritual teachers aren’t insightful at all. Byron Katie? Eckhart Tolle? Pema Chodron? Don Miguel Ruiz? They’re totally in it for the money.

+ Keep everything locked inside. Don’t express yourself. Art is a no-no. Watch tons of TV instead.

+ NEVER write in a journal!

+ Forget counseling – ask your biased friends for feedback. OH, and promptly ignore it, especially if everyone is giving you the same advice.

+ Stay away from all friends. And whatever you do, don’t be around animals.

+ If you have any energy at all, deplete it. Don’t use it to lavish yourself with care and love.

+ Being inside four walls is important! Nature will not help you. Nature wants you to suffer…right?

+ Stay in your bad relationship, soul-crushing job, miserable situation. You’re a trooper, you can totally put up with it.

~~~

Obviously this is all bullshit – do the opposite of all this and you can probably get through anything.

Lots of love to you in stressful times. Be clear and concise with everyone, especially yourself. Mercury is in retrograde – even if you don’t believe in Astrology, I find that this particular time really affects people, whether they realize it or not. And like me, many people pay attention to Mercury Retrograde even without paying attention to anything else in Astrology! It’s hard to ignore, once you know it exists.

Be gentle with yourself. You are important, or you wouldn’t be alive.

~~~

Screenshot from the old film Possession. Been feeling like this scene lately!

Raw: A Guide to Chaos

If you have trouble sticking to a raw food path, you may be lacking in other areas of your life.

It’s very important to be fulfilled in all the ways that are important to you. You might not even know you’re unhappy.

Are you getting enough nature, affection, touch, sex? Are you totally bored at your job? Do you have interests at all?! Do you read books, see friends, go dancing, get hugs, create beauty? Are you excited about living on a regular basis? Are you learning things, or just being a drone and wading through life?

Don’t wade: it’s much better to dive right in.

Food is such a constant thing – we eat it so often, and it can be soothing, even if it’s as simple as having something warm. But food will never fill any other gaps – any holes in your life will not be filled by “comforting” foods – those holes must be filled with WHAT THEY ARE MISSING.

I have noticed over the last couple of years that whenever I slip up, it is because I am lacking something else important to me. This only became apparent to me recently – and so I am writing about it in case you haven’t made this connection for yourself.

In the most basic of ways, you may simply be lacking nutrition – this is why it’s so easy to devour immense amounts of processed foods – your brain is not satisfied because there is zero nutrient value. So it keeps being hungry, and you’re only full when you are literally stuffed.

You need to feed yourself with everything beautiful, with food and life, with everything important to you. Don’t settle for less – if you do, you will either lead a very dull life and regret it at the end, or you will be so repressed that you will explode all over the place. The second choice is better, but the best choice is to notice what you are missing, and go looking for it.