Raw Food Will Not Make Your Life Perfect

Raw food should come with a warning: This is fleeting.

(and this post comes with another disclaimer: it is still worth doing).

At first you will feel so good that it is utter insanity. The trees will hug you, the birds will serenade you, you will wake up with panache, an appetite for life like you’ve never known – better than childhood – in fact, you feel like you did as a child, and who doesn’t want to feel that? Your body is celebrating, you have so much to compare it to – your previous misery has lifted and WOW, life is AMAZING now!

After a while it just becomes normal to be happy, merging with your former self, just feeling better physically, calmer, better looking. But your expectations of always feeling 100% astounding will be dashed, and like the junkie, you will be searching always for that next ecstatic high-on-life, and many people will try to sell it to you, especially if it makes them a lot of money. The next superfood, the next  amazing concoction.

I’m not saying that you will never feel that ecstasy again – you will. But it ebbs and flows. I get it all the time – but the parallel is when I get low, it is also extreme. Not as long lasting, like my previous days, but life feels overwhelming – not the act of living day to day, but just BEING ALIVE. Everything seems so poignant, so crushing, so impossibly beautiful, so damning, so frightening, so easy, so hard. Everything is magnified by thousands, and I just want to numb myself – so easy to do with food, and so many people do – though now I stuff myself with berries instead of Skittles. The overwhelm affects my ability to fall asleep, though I am a corpse when I do succumb – completely gone into the land of my brain, where dreams have become an even crazier landscape.

So am I missing something? Am I just not “doing it right” according to some self-appointed experts? I don’t know – I am doing everything I know to do, and no matter what, I still get depressed, I still get submerged into oblivion, and then I feel lame for being dramatic. And then I don’t care. I share, and will always share – it has always been the way I exist – the introvert that dresses herself in sequins and green braids, the loner who goes clubbing, the sensitive target with the leonine roar.

The last thing I want is to focus all of my energy on what I eat – I’ve done that for years now, and yes it is important to eat well (and I still believe raw is best, and what is keeping me sane), but I am at a point of just letting go, to some extent – the perfectionism, the strictness, the one-dimensional streams of neurons that could be creating meaning in my life, a purpose – they are all centered on food. I don’t want my brain to be thinking about these things anymore. I think I need a “food-thought” fast. I never used to think about food – but since it had such a profound impact on my mental health and general well-being (and my looks, too!) it has become an all-encompassing obsession. How can I make it even BETTER? I continually ask myself.

Eating raw is second nature to me now – I don’t have to “think” about it – but to worry about calories, and percentages, and all that – no thanks. I know to eat mostly fruits and greens, I know not to eat too much fat, and I know to keep well hydrated and get exercise. I know to get sunlight and B12. I know to be vegan. What else do I need to know? I think a while of being concerned with what to nourish yourself with is HEALTHY – but after four years, I am more concerned with other aspects of life that I have been NEGLECTING. No wonder I feel insane.

Depression Confession

Despite my lovely lifestyle, I still get hella depressed at times, sometimes to the point where I do not want to go on, I see no point, and I get anxious over the simplest things.

I thought these days were over, and for a long time, they were.

Last year when depression resurfaced I really didn’t understand, but then the sun came back and I left a situation I was unhappy with (a job) and then I started to feel perky again.

This time around, I am up and down on a daily basis – sometimes going from complete desolation to exhilaration. I often have to force myself to do things, even when I am freaking out inside. I fall apart over looking bloated. I get terrified to do things that make me the most happy. I lose myself in other worlds in print and onscreen.

Imagining what I would be like if I did NOT eat how I do is SCARY AS HELL. I don’t even know if I would be alive. I would definitely not be working, or in a relationship, or lithe, or youthful looking, or motivated. I would be a gloomy curmudgeon buried in her blankets in bed with boxes of Tim Tams and Reeces wrappers, ordering cheap pizza so I wouldn’t have to leave the house. I would be a snarly, snappy succubus. I would probably be on anti-psychotics, always weeping, with dark circles and wan skin. I’d hide from the world, be on welfare or disability, and I would be a screamer, biting heads off everyone.

That is basically how I was before I hit my turning point, and I can totally see myself getting worse - I cling to my lifestyle now because I cannot go down that road again. I have periods of glumness, but they don’t last long. My moods ebb and flow like moon tides, and I know there is a smiling beauty behind the stern glower in the mirror. I know there is a ball of flames behind the clouds. Having clean blood and strong energies move through me helps negativity detox more quickly, and my anti-depressants are cherries and hemp seeds. Instead of seeing enemies everywhere, I see beauty in human flaw. I am the nicest misanthrope you will ever meet. I love people and hate society, and that makes me able to see the world as complicated instead of just a complete disaster.

I know that when I am happy, it is real, and not from a manufactured substance. I know it’s because my brain is getting the sugar it needs, and my body is fresh and clear with nourishment from the earth – when it all runs properly, happiness is natural.

And when I just can’t feel it, I have some raw chocolate. I don’t have it too often, but on occasion it can really help me get out of a funk. Better than Xanax!

From a rainy, grey July in Vancouver, I send you hope.

A Purpose For When You Feel There’s No Point

Aimee Mullins

Are you obese, or depressed, or really sick?

Do you feel like you have no purpose, do you think you are useless, whatever, no good, a waste, that you have nothing to offer anyone or have no purpose in life? That you are just gonna waste away and nothin’ you can do about it?

I can tell you a purpose. You can be an inspiration.

For me, who is already slim and fairly fit and very healthy (I wasn’t always!), I am most inspired by the massive transformations people have. I need to continually be inspired in order to remember how important being healthy is, how important LIVING is. I am most inspired by people who are told “You will need to take these pills forever” or “You are going to die unless you have gastric bypass surgery” or “You will never walk again” or countless other things – and then those people prove everyone wrong by IGNORING what EVERYONE says and by believing in themselves. They find one SHRED of love for themselves and hold on to it like it is life support, and they do one little bit at a time, until they get better, and better, and better, and they feel more self love, and people start noticing, and the onlookers spur them on, and so that momentum grows, and then those people start being heroes, and you can be one of those people, too.

If you are really at the END of your rope – a miserable curmudgeon, someone who is extremely overweight, someone with eating disorders, someone on massive amounts of pills for an “incurable” disease – you can change all of this and be a beacon of hope for others, to show them it CAN be done, and there is ALWAYS room for more inspiration, there is ALWAYS room for more people that show us what can be done when we ignore the bullshit and follow our hearts.

The thing is, even when what you are working on healing is “invisible” (like mental issues), people around you will notice a change – you get this glow about you. Even if you are not losing weight rapidly, your skin will start to shine and your demeanor will be sparkling. You become a magnet for good things, which becomes a whirling dervish of positive vibes. They keep coming, and that’s what makes it even easier to continue.

Your purpose, now, is to transform for the good of everyone, not just you. Start where you are, take photos, take videos, and chronicle your journey. It makes no difference if it takes days, months, or years – It will uplift someone so much that they will make positive changes in their own lives – beauty and love transform others, and then it goes on and on and on, endlessly.

THAT is a grand purpose to hold in your mind, and when you accomplish your goals, you will be free and clear and know what you are meant to do in life. In the meantime, be an inspiration.

One last thing: temporary slip-ups are not failures. Even I have days where I don’t adhere to my highest aspirations – I brush off and keep going. That is the secret of succeeding – even the most amazing people have days and moments they are not reaching the bar they have set – just try again, and you will reach it.

Kick Seasonal Depression in the ASS

If there is something I know a lot about, it’s being utterly morose. And if there is something I know more about, it’s how to get the hell out of it.

I’ll begin with my personal journey, and then list an action plan to ninja-kick sadness in the booty.

My first battles with depression started at about 5 years old. Well, it was more anxiety than actual depression, but it started early. I couldn’t bear to go to school, I was inconsolable when my mother would leave to go to work, I was reluctant to do anything alone.

Eventually I dealt with it – I am an only child and got used to entertaining myself, even though I was close with my parents. I didn’t have a lot of friends around and always felt  that I liked everyone more than they liked me. I still think this way, actually. I’m not  exactly sure where it stems  from.

I was still a pretty happy kid, until I started getting harassed on a daily basis. The first  time started in grade 4, when I was teased mercilessly by everyone for emulating Harriet the Spy. I was 8 years old and wanted to drop out of school. I wish I had (for many other reasons). It stopped suddenly one day and the most popular girls started being nice to me.

For a couple of years I was drama-free, and then in grade 7, I started  getting pummeled with insults. I was an easy target: seriously sensitive, no defense, easy to make cry – bulls-eye. Target practice for insult-slinging. False rumours were spread. Without going into detail into what was said to me, this was the real beginning of my mental decline.

I lived a block away – I rode my bike to and from class, and every lunch hour, to get home as fast as possible. I would spend recess around the back of the school with my one friend, who mainly did homework. I would read Lord of the Flies repeatedly.

I got hassled everywhere but during class time – before, after, at home. Phone. Mailbox. I’m sure if the internet had been around I would have had endless shit through that, too.

The one time I went to camp was right before high school. No one from my school attended, but I did go with a “friend.” How awesome that I was harassed there, too – different reasons, luckily, but it was never-ending. I loathed camp.

Grade 8 started out well. I was still a good student, I had new pals. After about a month, everything  bad started up again – at least this time I had some other people to be with. We were all a bit on the fringes, even though there were not typical cliques in my school.

The bullying was worse in high school, of course. The same rumours from elementary school spread amongst a much larger amount of people, and now taunting happened during class time, too.  I started to skip, a lot, and I started not to care. My friends were all too busy, or too far away to hang out after school. My self-amusement came in handy, and I started to relish it. I was lonely but kept myself well occupied. I slept a lot, watched cartoons, wrote in my journals, wrote stories, drew, redecorated my room constantly, and most importantly, I had my music. I read a lot, but music overpowered everything else, as did obsession with males and sex.

Writing got me through everything. I am still amazed that I did not get into drugs or anything like that – it just wasn’t around me. My friends were not the type, and even though I had a couple of experiences with drugs, it never became a coping mechanism.

I became more and more withdrawn. I started to like dark things. Around 13 I finally became interested in my appearance, and models. I lived within magazine pages and music videos.

After a couple of years, I had hardened. I was the lone weirdo in the entire school. After about one week of trying to conform, I was disgusted with myself and embraced being an outsider.

In grade 10 I started to snap back at people. The frustration from constant comments and rumours finally built up and I exploded. I was able to rage. I had never blown up at anyone. The first instance was in grade 8, when someone I sat with was going to tell my guy friend that I wanted to fuck him. I didn’t know what to say or do. As he got up to wander over, sneer on his mouth, I wound up and slapped him in the face. Everyone’s head spun around. Someone said, “Did she just SLAP you?” Everyone was shocked, especially me.

Instead of answering them, he slapped me back, twice. The teacher had not arrived yet. I stood there, triumphant – it was the first time I had not cried over being hurt.

Being able to rage felt great. Other rumours spread, this time true ones. I started to look intimidating – my face was in a perpetual scowl state – something I still have trouble with to this day. I wore dark clothes, dyed my hair black. This is so commonplace, now, but in small town BC in the early 90s, I was an anomaly.

I did not have much in common with my friends anymore. Had I ever? We all got along well, but I drifted elsewhere. I made a couple of other friends in lower grades, but was more or less on my own. The older I got, the sadder I became. I vilified the sun. I stayed indoors with the blinds drawn. I obsessed over industrial music and A Clockwork Orange. I got boyfriends via record stores or chat lines. I only ever dated one guy from high school, a snowboarder in my art class. I guess I was too intense for him.

I was a spitfire from the day I found some internal power – maybe from the first 15 years of being silent. It all roared out. Good and bad. I was always told that when I looked at someone it was like I was boring a hole into them.

I was terrible at keeping my feelings to myself, and awful at pretending to be happy.

My last year of high school was not so bad – people had started leaving me alone after realizing I was now going to fight back. My clearest memory was shaming a guy in my French class after he was calling me a certain name – calling him something back – and he never bothered me again. It was completely awful which is why I don’t say what it was, but it did the trick. I was not a cruel person and never wanted to be – but at the time I had no other conceivable option, so I took the low road.

I felt like I might have been bipolar and went to see my doctor, who after asking only a couple of questions, asked if I would like to be put on lithium. I was looking for easy answers, but the fact she did not even try to find out anything deeper put me off -  this was the first time I really  questioned the
medical industry. I decided to try antidepressants (Paxil). I felt weird at first, but gradually a bit better. Not much.

After high school I had a bit of an up. I got into modeling, only to throw it aside to be more outrageous looking. I felt free to be more wild. I was more into music than ever, and felt I’d found the boy of my dreams.

Every break-up felt like the end of my life, but I would find someone else to swoon over – easy for me back then – 90s boys were so my type – it got harder and harder to find guys I was attracted to as the years went on.

I tried to go off of antidepressants and got seriously sick. I wasn’t even on a high dose. I had migraines so terrible that I stayed in bed most of the time. It affected my first job, resulting in me being canned.

I started to dip. I became more erratic. Once I started working, my natural defensive attitude was detrimental to retail work and I got fired many, many times. Increasingly over the next 10 years I became convinced I was too crazy, too fat, too ugly, too miserable – no one would want me for long, I couldn’t keep a job, I lived at home, I was dependent, I was pathetic.

I stayed on the antidepressants for a couple of years and finally weaned myself off. I realized that retail was not meant for me and went into work with animals. I was still alone – my longest relationship was only 10 months and that stayed a record until recently.

Not long after I’d gotten off the pills the first time (a year or two), I had a huge mental breakdown. I had moved to Vancouver Island to be with my boyfriend at the time. We eventually broke up, but still lived together for several weeks after. I got fired again. My grandmother died. My pet rat died. I had to move back home again. I was on welfare. I had finally met some friends in that city and then had to leave. This all happened within 2 months. So I went back on medication, this time Celexa. It numbed me in a scary way. I was on it for 3 years, terrified to go off of it because of the previous issues I’d had with withdrawal.

When I eventually did go off of it (they never worked for long), I did it exceptionally slowly, and it was okay, but when I finally ditched it completely, I again got very sick. Luckily I had just left  a job so could avoid that issue, but again I had my heart ripped out, had the beginnings of an eating disorder (I stopped this behaviour soon after), and was moving away from a place I loved (Tofino) and moving back in with my mom.

After 2 days of moving home I decided I wanted to go back to the island, and also wanted to go overseas on a working holiday. I obsessively planned and saved. I moved back but focused on work and not guys. I also worked out a lot, rode my bike, and quit eating sugar. I felt better than I could ever remember, but when I went overseas, this all changed as I was around someone very negative. I also started to eat all sorts of horrible stuff for me – lots of candy and chocolate bars I’d never had before, canned spaghetti toasties (a New Zealand thing), Nutella on white bread (road trip food), and other such things. My clear skin got bumpy (I blamed the heat) and I gained back more weight than I had lost. My mental state plummeted, and I blamed it all on the guy I was with. He did have a huge influence on my mental state, but I chose to stay with him, even though all I thought of was leaving. Guilt made me stay – he’d come with me to another country (Australia), was young, and I felt responsible.

When I went back home, I did end the relationship. I decided to go back to school. After I finished, I moved to the mountains. I was still medication-free. I worked at a vet clinic. I dieted often – mostly on foods high in fake-sweeteners, microwave dinners, and stuff like that. I looked great but I started to have some weird health issues. My hands started to ache all the time , all the joints in my fingers were in constant pain – I was tested many times for rheumatoid arthritis. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn’t work, and I could barely even hold up a book. I laid around watching youtube for a month while I recovered. I was frightened and bored. It was winter and I had nowhere to go – I couldn’t drive to the city with my hands in the state they were, so stayed in, getting more and more depressed. I started eating garbage again.

After a month or so I felt better, but then got laid off. I immediately moved back to the city. The mountain town I lived in was not somewhere that made me happy – I only had met two friends outside of work, and every weekend I drove down to Vancouver to go clubbing, as I had nothing happy to keep me in the mountains.

I had been single for years, and even when I did occasionally meet someone, they were taken or only interested in me briefly. I moved in with a girl I met on craigslist, and lived on EI for as long as I
could. I basically spent half a year lying in my bed, eating crap, and watching downloaded tv shows. I read a lot of blogs.

I ate more chocolate than I ever had. I felt completely useless. I started feeling angry, and very paranoid. I’d walk around looking over my shoulder as I walked my dog. I’d yell at her. I’d hold my keys between my knuckles in case anyone wanted to harm me. I cried a lot. The only thing I really did for myself was obsessively clean and lift weights in my room.

I snapped one day. I did not want to go back on medication. I was so horrified at my mental state that I was open to anything. My post on my transformation has already been written, however I want to reiterate the steps I took to conquer my depression, and why it worked.

1. I eliminated all processed foods. This left only plants in their natural state. Since I was not consuming anything with weird chemicals, or anything altered by heat, my brain chemistry was able to return its normal state for the first time in my life.

2. With increased energy, I became more active. I didn’t work out for a long time, but I played. I went into the park and hula-hooped. I went for hikes in the mountains with new friends and my dog. I bounced on trampolines.

3. I slept soundly. Along with my mood changes, I was just radiating good vibes. This attracted different people into my life, happy ones, healthy ones. I got along easily with everyone because I was calmer. My defenses went down.

4. My self-esteem went up – I was doing something wonderful for myself, first off, but also my body changed, my skin changed – everything did. I looked fantastic, which made me want to take even better care of myself.

5. I gravitated to the outdoors. I understood how important daylight and sunshine were.

6. I started to move towards more positive things. This included people, outlooks, events, work, books.

It was long chain-link. One good thing led to the next. Even when upsetting things happened, I only got knocked down a little. It was easier to get back up.  I was mentally clear, and able to focus on the things that kept me well.

When I was depressed, I never really noticed the effect winter had on me. I was already in a drab state. I mostly avoided the sun in my life due to scary propaganda and a preference for pale skin. So I was always in this low state – and I started to notice it last year.

My first year raw started in the spring. Later that year in winter, I was dealing with a break-up and so any sadness I was experiencing would automatically have been attributed to that, and so I did not notice any seasonal depression.

The next winter I took a vacation to Hawaii, and so also had no major reactions. I was still on a raw diet and doing very well, convinced that was all I needed to be happy. I was in my first good, long relationship, working at a job I liked, and everything was generally peachy.

The next winter (last year) was when I really started to notice how it affected me. It was a LONG winter and very gloomy. I was in a new home, small, and noisy. I was unhappy at work. I had not changed my diet but still felt lethargic, I had gained weight, and was feeling crazy, like I had prior to diet changes. I attributed this to lack of B12, and probably vitamin D. I really focused on the B12, so started researching it and supplementing it. I felt a bit better, but not really.

When the sun came back…that is when it all changed. I felt a complete turnaround within a week. All my enthusiasm came back, I was happy, active, and jubilant. I still felt a bit low due to my living situation, and unhappy at work – but this changed – I quit my job and lived off of a bit of money I had for 4 months. I found a quiet place to live, and then much more suitable work.

January is around the time I start to notice a decline in my mental state. I started to notice it again this year, and expected it. I want to go on vacation, but am more interested in fashioning a lifestyle where I can go on  lengthy vacations every winter instead of just short ones, and so decided to forgo a  quick trip so I can make a long-term goal manifest.

After doing a lot of searching and experimenting, this is my fool-proof method for combating seasonal depression.

1. Make sure you are getting vitamin D. Regardless of your diet, this will be the kicker. A supplement is okay, but if you are in ANY way able to go on a vacation somewhere sunny for 2-3 weeks in mid-winter, this will help you a great deal. Failing that, and especially if you are a vegan (D3 supplements are not vegan, though there are a couple available now – here and here) get into sunbeds. I know there is a lot of controversy about them, but if you go to a proper facility with beds that have both UVA and UBA, low-pressure lamps, and go for short periods of time (5-10 minutes or based on your skin colour, etc) you will be fine. This is what I have chosen to do and it has made a massive difference.

2. See as much daylight as possible. I work in a place with no windows (the back of a store) so I go outdoors as much as possible on my break, and on days off.  If it’s yucky out I make sure I sit in front of a bright window while I write or read. If you live in a very grey place, a full-spectrum light will help, too. These will NOT generate vitamin D, though. Get to bed early and get up early, or you will suffer in darkness.

3. Food – the lighter your diet, the more plants you eat, the less processed your food is, the better you will feel. Cutting out all processed and animal foods will be best, but keeping your diet based in whole foods, and keeping it LOW fat (10-15% of calories) will do wonders for you. Eating “comfort” foods like chocolate and other junk foods will actually FUEL your depression. When I made this connection it made all the difference. It does not help. It worsens.

4. Get your bare feet on the earth as much as possible. Our bodies are electrical conduits – we are separated from the earth in many ways – our shoes, primarily, but also our homes and lifestyles. When is the last time you had your feet ON THE GROUND, for a period of time, let alone your whole body? This is a free practice, and works especially well in the sea. Here is a link about bare-footing, with a video by the beautiful Shakaya Leone, a woman I deeply admire and respect.

5. MOVE. Especially if you have a sedentary job. I have a pretty physical job but I am pretty sedentary at home in winter, and I also drive. I love to read and write, so have to make sure I do some other activity. I choose hula-hooping and biking when it is nice out. I walk my dog. I lift weights if I feel like it. Choose something you find FUN – if you enjoy the gym, awesome. I do, too, but I want to save my money for travel. Otherwise I’d be going because I do really like it.

6. Get ENOUGH sleep. How much is enough? When you wake up and feel like getting up instead of rolling over. We are so over-stimulated and chronically underslept. Get rid of your coffee – it actually makes you more tired by making huge demands on your adrenal glands. Set your alarm to GO to bed. Make sure you sleep enough – this means all year, not just in winter. You cannot oversleep. If you sleep a lot, it means your body is trying to heal itself. All of the repair the body does takes place during sleep, so the more toxic you are, the more sleep you will need.

7. Human touch. If you don’t have a partner, hug your friends. If you feel weird about it, just tell them you need a good hug! If they are your friends, they will happily hug you. If you are in a new place with no friends, invest in massage. This will tide you over until you have comrades to embrace.

8. Fruit. No matter what you eat, delight in bright, luscious fruits. The colours will perk you up, remind you of the tropics, and nourish your body. Also winter fruits are bursting with colour – citrus, pomegranates, persimmons – really devour these things. They will illuminate you.

9. Colour – surround yourself with it. Dress in rainbows, drape yourself in neons. Greens and bright blues are the most important as these tend to be the colours we really do without in winter.

10. Companions. Whether it be human or animal, make sure you give and receive affection, have as much fun as possible, and really enjoy what is around you.

If you are surrounded by snow, then cultivate a love of snow-sport, or snow-play. Build snowmen. Play with your kids in the snow, or if you have no kids, then babysit some! Throw snow at your dog so he tries to catch it. Make snow-smoothies.

If you are in torrential rain, get some rain gear and get outside anyway! I used to bike daily in the rainforest and it didn’t phase me because I had the right clothing. Get galoshes and splash in the puddles. Bundle in the warmest things you have and enjoy storms on the beach.

If you live somewhere that is just cold and grey, write out a list of everything beautiful you can see, and don’t stop. There will always be something worth appreciating, even in the most “ugly” landscape. You can always add your own beauty to the area, too. Coloured lights, bright winter berries and plants – brainstorm ways to enliven your surroundings. And get the hell out of the city as much as possible.

I know what it’s like to live in a perpetually grey surrounding for the majority of the year. You do not need to suffer through darker days. You don’t need to suffer through lighter days. Medication is totally unnecessary if you live a natural lifestyle. I am quite aware a lot of people are unwillingly to make that sort of commitment, but even small amounts will help. Focus on the things you CAN do for now, and work towards a stronger goal. Make daily goals instead of longterm. Can you commit to eating all raw foods for one day? Great! Then make a new goal the next morning.

Learn all you can. Rely on yourself. It is the most powerful, esteem-boosting thing you can do. To be entirely self-sufficient, self-healing – there is no greater gift to yourself.

~~~

Pix found mostly on Pinterest, except the ones of me (the one of me in plaid was me at age 15). The one of the girl in the yellow coat is from here.

The Cure for Ennui – Discovered!

DO YOU SUFFER FROM L.O.P. (Lack of Passion)??

L.O.P. can be self diagnosed.

Symptoms:

• You are bound to your home.
• The TV ensnares you. You are drawn into other worlds instead of inhabiting your own.
• The internet draws you in with so many temptations, far more than before its existence.
• You want to devour everyone and everything. Media is a black hole you swim into, willingly.
• You believe people who are famous – just because people know who they are, just because they are charismatic. You listen to them more than you listen to yourself.
• You have a completely structured life. You do the same thing daily, and then you force yourself to smile.
• You do nothing for your own pleasure.
• You eat things that come in packages and go in microwaves.
• You adhere to a set standard of living, and an aesthetic chosen for you.
• You have left your childhood self completely in the past and cannot remember what it is like to be free.
• You are a curmudgeon.
• You only see the bleakness of the world.
• You drown yourself in vices, to cope with things you don’t realize are stifling you.
• You only see the mainstream options for life. You do not ever consider alternatives.

New Medical Break-though!

The new drug FOMS (Fear of Missing Something) is now available. This drug has been known to have the following side effects:

• You will say yes to almost any experience.
• You will quit jobs and leave relationships that don’t squeeze your heart and make you swoon.
• You will sleep so soundly because you’ve depleted all your energy from living.
• You will eat copious amounts of fresh fruits and foliage.
• You may experience lightning in your brain.
• You see beauty in every corner of your reality.
• You are vocal and rally against the horrors around you.
• You will long for the days of childhood and teenage years, when devious behaviour is more accepted.
• You will not care if your behaviour is accepted.
• You will cultivate an intense desire for knowledge.
• You will start to see threads leading out from normal life, that lead you to amazing people and wanderings.
• Your desire to travel will become unbearable.
• You will want to document everything so you can share it with others – or – you may want to keep it all to yourself, a delicious secret.
• You will want to spread love wherever you go.
• You will want to kiss with wild abandon.
• You will want to be lithe and naked and roam free on hot beaches amongst coconut trees.
• You will want to move so wildly that your body never stops swaying.
• You will easily attract many other companions, divine lovers, and glistening amigos.
• You automatically become glowlingly beautiful
• You believe in wishes, and magic.
• Your religion becomes self-worship.
• You create things that people want, and admire.
• You become yourself, a deviant visionary.

Please do not take FOMS on an empty stomach. Take with water, luscious mangos and blueberries. Take FOMS upon rising from a complete night’s sleep.

FOMS can be self-prescribed, and taken at any time – no rules apply.

Me First: My Transformation Story

I will always put myself first. It is crucial, because I refuse to be a victim, and I refuse to allow anything to get in the way of the things I love. I want to feel blissful, to be happy, and to get every morsel of joy I can in life.

Excuses are for suckers.

Stories of how I have changed my life:

My Transformation:

This all began at the end of 2007 when I was depressed, suicidal, paranoid, anxious, bored, unemployed, chubby, binging, irritable, self-conscious, quick-to-anger, cynical, and all-around negative. I had always been really low in spirits throughout my life, and every time something bad happened to me, it was never my fault. People just didn’t understand. Poor me.

That year, though, I was at my all-time worst in terms of mental state. In the past I’d been on anti-depressants twice, which only numbed me and then did nothing except addict me for years, and even though I knew they weren’t working, I was too scared to wean off of them because the withdrawal was so debilitating and painful.

I did not want to go on pills again. In the fall and winter of 2007, I would obsessively clean, read blogs, and eat. I lifted weights for exercise. I tried calorie-restrictive dieting and end up binging on cookies and was eating about 4-5 chocolate bars a day. When I’d walk my dog and she would take too long to go to the bathroom, I would lose it and scream at her, yank her around and storm home, where I would immediately collapse into a heap on the floor and cry for how I’d treated her.

I would immediately loathe myself – in fact, I couldn’t stand myself in general. I was the type of person I hated, instead of the kind, animal-loving, creative soul I knew I truly was. What had happened to that person?

This went on for a while and I finally had my ultimate breakdown, again triggered by anger at my dog , who had done nothing wrong. I kept asking myself how I’d become such an angry person, and how I’d become so paranoid, walking around with my keys between my knuckles, always looking over my shoulder as if being followed. Neither of these things had ever been something I’d done before. I either wanted to die or change completely, but I didn’t know how.

I did notice that the more sugar I ate in a day, the more anxious and paranoid I’d be later on – this connection was not lost on me, but to give up my precious chocolate bars was not something I really WANTED to do – they were my comfort and pleasure where I had little else at the time. I knew that I had to, though, and I also was chubby and my skin sucked. I bought Skinny Bitch, hoping  for diet tips, and ended up getting a slap in the face. This book was the catalyst to my change, though, as it is a cleverly disguised vegan book which catapulted me back to 1999 when I first went vegan, reminding me of all the ethical reasons to change my ways. I knew I wanted to do it again, but I was fearful because when I had done it before, I was the fattest and most unhealthy I’d ever been.

One night I had another anger outburst. I felt horrified at myself and cried, “Okay, universe, I’m open. I’ll do anything. I am open to ANYTHING. I am tired of being this way! I do not want to go back on medication, show me another way.”

I stayed open. I kept reading blogs, though I never implemented the advice they gave – too regimented. I would try things here or there, but I would always just want to do my own thing. The things that helped me most were stories, and within a few days of my mind opening up, on the last day of the year, I read a little article called 30-Days Raw by Steve Pavlina. I’d been reading his blog for a while, and he had good advice, not given in a typical manner. This was his own trial, and the things he wrote about in this article really captured my attention.

I was very attuned to my own manifestations. I decided to believe the law of attraction really worked, though it never had before (or so I thought at the time) – and since I was SO taken with this article, something really clicked. He wrote pretty much every day about this trial and I would read the articles ravenously, waiting daily for updates. Within a couple of days I KNEW I’d found the answer to my universal plea.

I vowed to go vegan and transition into this way of life as soon as possible. I wanted to make sure I did it right, so gave myself a time-line. February 1st, I would go vegan and give up refined sugars. I had a “farewell to cheese” dinner on January 31st.

Deep-fried brie with plum/mango sauce – fond memories.

During this time I looked up other information and took out a couple of books from the library. One was Raw Family: A True Story of Awakening by Victoria Boutenko and her family. It was a very small book, only 109 pages, but riveting. The health metamorphosis these people went through was astounding. This tiny book was more inspiring to me than any self-help book I’d ever read.

I recalled a few years prior picking up Green for Life by the same woman at the library but never reading it. I wouldn’t have been ready for it back then, but I do remember being very intrigued by it and I was not one to read nutrition books at the time.

Me February 6th, 2008

After a couple of months of reading everything I could find on the subject (blogs, The Sunfood Diet Success System, Eating for Beauty, Eating in the Raw, 12 Steps to Raw Foods , Raw Food Life Force Energy- I’ve read many others, since), I knew more or less the basics of what I had to do – I educated myself as much as possible, and CONTINUE to do so – the information I was learning was so illuminating – when I realized what certain things were doing to my BRAIN instead of just my waistline, I didn’t WANT those things anymore. Things like candy and pizza and chocolate bars had no allure for me anymore, especially once I found out there was raw chocolate – and even if there hadn’t been, I would have given it all up anyway, because I wanted to feel good – for REAL good. I did not want to be a lump crying in my bed anymore, I wanted to shine, and I knew that I had to heal myself from the inside out – that pills were just a cover-up, that it did not heal the cause, and that it was all up to ME.

I knew that it would change everything in my life – including how I socialized and that I might come against opposition from people – I didn’t care. I put myself first. If anyone had a problem with what I was doing, I would tell them “Just watch.” Luckily I had nothing but support, but I still had a lot of people question what I was doing and I did my best to answer them.

April 1st was my decided date for 100% raw. Over February and March, I had cut things out one by one – rice, tofu, potatoes, any treats like Luna Bars, and the hardest to give up, to my surprise, was bread. But I did, and as planned, I went 100% raw the 1st of April, 2008.

Again, the night before I’d had a Farewell to Cooked Food dinner at a Japanese restaurant called Guu, in Vancouver:

I knew what to expect – I knew I would detox. I hoped it wouldn’t be too terrible and I figured it wouldn’t be since I’d done things at a decent pace and I had been vegetarian for a long time and at least did not have to detox animal flesh from my system. Even dairy and eggs had been out of me for a while, and white sugars, but even if detox was harsh, I would take it.

I worked at a coffee shop at the time (though I had only had coffee a couple of times, ever) – there were lots of gooey treats and gross sandwiches, and I still went raw while working there. I worked alone, mostly, and worked a block away from home. I brought everything I needed to work – a big bag of greens, vegetables, fruits – whatever. I brought my massive Sunfood Diet tome with me and when it was slow I would read. I didn’t make fun of anyone who bought the food there, but I really hated serving people that garbage. I always answered questions about my enormous salad bowl. I felt tired and spacey, but knew what was happening.

I got massive, deep pimples in the first week – I was lethargic and constantly in the bathroom. This was as bad as my detox got. I really monitored my moods. I was expecting a miracle, from what I’d read, and embraced change. I did not want to be the “depressed girl” anymore – I was willing to give up that identity, that victim mentality. I wanted to be strong.

After 10 days of raw food, I could not sleep. I WAS TOO HAPPY. I was in tears of joy. The difference in such a short time blew my mind. I didn’t even care about my weight or anything – THIS was reason enough to do it. I had not felt such joy since I was a child – being in love was similar, but to feel bliss for no reason other than being alive was the most amazing experience I’d ever had. I felt like I was on Ecstacy. When I did sleep, though, I slept WELL.

After three weeks I wrote this journal entry:

I have honestly never felt so good in my life.

+ I sleep like the dead
+ I am always happy
+ Nothing really bothers me anymore
+ I have insane amounts of energy
+ I haven’t been depressed at all
+ I look fucking radiant and slim
+ I actually look forward to my day when I wake up
+ Things are more vibrant
+ I realize I can heal myself
+ I am really calm, even if something is irritating me

Um yeah so…this rules.

I knew this was something I would do for life. Initially my plan was to do it for a month and see how I felt – the first week and a half, I never wanted to turn back – why would I?!

I believed whole-heartedly in the law of attraction at that point. While lying in bed that night when I was too happy to sleep, I was actually crying to myself saying, “I get it, I GET it!”

I noticed other things changing. I started attracting new friends into my life. I had a ridiculously beautiful love story happen to me (that’s a whole other story – it didn’t work out, and despite massive heartbreak I still kept to my goals and did not let it ruin me), and I lost gobs of weight.

My four month transformation:

I went from a sun-fearing goth girl (I am still kind of gothy) to an active, hiking, hula-hooping dynamo. I loved to lie in the sun. I was sick of my job and when I was being treated unfairly, instead of whining, I just quit on the spot. I knew something else would come up, and it did – much more suited to me (book-related work). In the time I had free I spent a lot of time outside and enjoying the energy I finally had.

I sought out raw food restaurants and the first one I found, I pestered for a job for two years – I now work there, as well as a bookstore.

Through these places I have made countless, positive friends, and my first long-term boyfriend as well. I used to hate cooking, and suddenly enjoyed spending time in the kitchen prepping food.

One year – notice the skin difference, too!

It has now been almost 4 years, and with a few minor slip-ups (a couple during the heartbreak [one time with alcohol and pizza! ugh], winter soups, trip to Europe with family – I still kept vegan and mostly raw) I am still convinced this is the way to go.

Other notable things that changed: I used to have chronic bladder infections, and I never have them anymore. I have zero wrinkles.  Zero cellulite. My sinuses are always clear (I have had issues with this my whole life, especially as a child). My dreams are ultra  vivid. I don’t need to use deodorant. I am very in-tune with what is going on in my body.

I am now on a slightly altered path because after about 3 years I started to decline a bit. I wasn’t sleeping well (I blamed cacao, so gave that up, mostly), my teeth were starting to erode (I blamed raw honey, which I gave up – it’s not vegan, anyway), my skin wasn’t as great (confusing), I gained back about 10 pounds (weird) – I had heard about a high-carb, low-fat raw diet which was mostly based on fruit and greens, and yet again was very taken with the idea.

Back in the early months of 2011, I was very depressed again. I was confused at why I felt so low because I was still eating my wonderful diet – I’d done nothing differently, yet I was almost at the point I was at PRIOR to all of this – suicidal thoughts, insomnia, extremely irritable. I chalked it up to B12 and vitamin D deficiency. I researched it and got my blood checked. I immediately started taking a LOT of liquid B12 – my count was quite low. I ate a lot of cacao to at least bring my mood up and get through the day. I waited impatiently for summer.

Once summer hit, I threw myself on to the ground and laid in the sun for as long as I could take it. Within one week, I felt like a new person.

I tried doing the 80/10/10 Diet that I’d been reading about – in the summer I did it for a week. I was sleeping great, and my skin was improving and I dropped some weight (most likely since I was only eating a pinch of salt in a day). At the end of the week I binged on a cup of cashew cheez and could NOT fall asleep. I knew then my problem was high fat, at least so close to bedtime.

I didn’t do that diet again right afterward though I did increase my intake of fruit and was making a lot of kale chips. When I started having weird skin issues (rash, acne, skin discolouration), I blamed eating too much of one type of green (toxins), too much sesame (allergy?), or maybe nuts (a lovely mixture of ground cashews or almonds, mixed with raw honey and cacao) – I stopped eating all of these, yet I still found no answers.

My deep knowing of internal health kept telling me to press on – and really I had the answer under my nose the whole time, but I was so adverse to giving certain things up, just like I was before. To simplify my diet even more seemed like deprivation – I wanted to enjoy myself and be free – it was restricting enough!

In December I went downhill a bit and was eating cooked vegan food for the first time in ages – the catalyst was my work’s Christmas dinner, my family’s Christmas dinner, and then I had the urge for more. I started eating baked fries with miso gravy, and other baked root vegetables, and soups – even with tofu! I still mostly ate fruit but at the end of the day I would crave the hot oily carbs.

I knew that all of these things happening to me were again, my fault, and if it was important enough to me, I would change things.

SO I have. I am now watching how much fat I eat, making sure I get enough calories, eating mostly fruit and greens, and lots of water. I have not cut out salt completely but plan to, and what I still have been eating is barely worth mentioning (maybe a couple of pinches).

It’s been just over a week and the improvements in my skin have been great. My mood is up, despite the rainy weather. I expect to see grand improvements!! And if not, I will keep searching for what works, because I know life, and my body, want me to thrive. To be unhealthy and diseased is a choice, to decline and age quickly is optional. My physical and mental well-being are completely my responsibility.

WITHOUT these things, and without putting myself first, I would not be able to do anything at my best for anyone else. I would be a shred of who I really am. My true self was hidden under a chemically laden brain. If I had decided that I was a “depressed person” and clung to that, always wanting sympathy, I would still be an empty shell.

Other ways I have changed my life:

I consider the diet changes to be the most important thing I’ve done because it changed me at a cellular level. My brain chemistry was #1 priority, and because I can think clearly without any chemical changes, and the proper body fuel, I naturally feel good and clear and happy. As long as I have all the right nutrients, I feel and look my best.

This has led me to require the best in my life. I insist on having a healthy living environment (if somewhere I  live is inadequate, I will leave – my last place was insanely noisy, so I left), a healthy working environment (I quit jobs if they become too stressful or affect my mental state or make me angry or bored), a healthy relationship (for the most part, mine is good, though it can be difficult at times – however there are things I will not put up with), healthy friendships (I will cut out people if necessary), and I make sure I get what I need.

If I need time alone, I’ll take it. I have no qualms about changing plans anymore if I do not feel up to going out, and I get a lot of time to myself, which I need. I need sunshine and know that winter/lack of daylight affects me a great deal, so now have plans to travel every winter to somewhere tropical. This will be the one year where I don’t, because I am saving my money for a big trip at the end of the year.

I have made it a priority to write every day, because it is important to me. I really miss surfing, so I may in fact move back to the island following my trip next winter to live by the sea.

I only get one life. If things get in the way of what I really, truly want, I will have to shift everything. There is always a way. You just have to believe there is. Get to the root of the problem. What is stopping you from your achievements? Is it your mental state? Stop asking doctors for advice and seek out information from people who are not out to take your money while compromising your health. Do not follow one self-appointed guru either – everyone has some good information, but I can tell you from experience, a high-fat raw diet is not the answer, at least in the long term. Low fat, yes – better to be low-fat cooked vegan than high-fat raw, though it is good as a transitional diet!

Health is #1!! You can not have good mental health without good nutrition, and to focus on getting good health, you need to want a fantastic life. You have to believe you deserve it. It’s a bit of a catch-22 – you may be so depressed that you think “Why bother?” when it comes to doing something for yourself, but I promise it is worth it. Rock bottom can help, but make sure you go back up and take strength from it. Seek advice from people getting results that you want. Surround yourself (in person or online) with people who are supportive and glowing with health and vitality.

I am showing you my physical changes because I can’t SHOW you my mental changes -you will just have to take my word for it.

My parents say I am like a different person, which is saying a lot. ANYone who knew me before my changes can attest how much I have changed.

You can change, too, if you truly want to. But know that it is ALL up to you – this is EMPOWERING information! To know you have the power to heal yourself!

Another way I have helped myself change is by questioning my thinking. The Work of Byron Katie has had a lasting impact on me and how I view other people and myself. If there is any book I recommend above all others in terms of changing your thinking, it is Loving What Is. This can help you on the path to health, as well, if you don`t think you deserve it.

Go forth and be healthy. There is no other way to live.

For raw food books I recommend, take a look at my Amazon store.