A long-term relationship over, the great barrier to my full self – I feel a great freedom at last.
The last months have been full of zest and anxiety, January was so harsh and tumbled that I dare not post, I could not really concentrate on anything, except moving on, moving forward, escape.
I have been so fully focused on me, so I could do hard things, hurt someone I care for deeply, and be a voracious vixen once again. It took a lot of courage, I pushed past my comfort zone, and now I do again.
I am off to the other side of the world, to eat copious amounts of tropical fruit, play with dogs, lay on the most epic beaches, read books of substance, swim, float, write, get massaged, explore, visit friends, sweat, turn even further inward, find that place in myself that was lost, and most importantly, turn wild again.
Freedom has always been the most important thing to me – the freedom to be fully myself, in any situation.
I am now in a good headspace, but I know it can be even better. Now is a month of succulence, melty feelings, and bikinis.
To break ties with things and people (at least in certain ways) that do not allow me to be my fullest self.
I do not blame ANYONE other than me for feeling like a watered-down version of my True Self (and I have been reading about this, sort of, through someone’s graphic novel version of her own therapy, and it is poignant – I love the word poignant).
I think that ALL of my anxiety over the last year stems from the anxiety of ONE issue, one that has been gnawing at me for a year or more. It is time to deal with it and move on, despite how painful it will be.
I have some resolutions/goals, etc, for the year. I don’t like making typical “resolutions” as they don’t tend to stick. The main one is a LIFE resolution, and really the entire point of my new tattoo.
I also want to get the word “Free” tattooed on me. I want constant reminders. And I think that knowing I am creating my own cages is really what is driving me mental – it’s always me, of course, I blame no one else.
LIFE RESOLUTION: To be my True Self. To feel free, in whatever choices I make. To LIVE, fully, always, and never let money get in the way.
Stumbled on this a few moments ago and it is so perfectly in tune with my current mindset. I must read Alan Watts, as I have meant to for several years and he keeps being pressed into my consciousness from several directions.
I also have some goals:
+ To get back into photography. Every time I see someone’s gorgeous photos, or them walking with their cameras (and obviously GOOD cameras, that take vivid, wonderful shots) it makes me wonder why the hell I stopped. Also, I would not charge people for photos, unless they hired me. Ever. Not digital ones, anyway.
+ To make my blog into an actual money-accruing website. My step-dad knows how to do this, and offered to help me. I had no idea. I lost interest in learning how to “make websites” in terms of coding and whatnot, long ago. I find it dull.
+ To travel, despite money and despite anxiety.
+ To get a VAN, and have it be my little caravan all over the place, a mobile bedroom.
+ To produce large ink drawings, life-size portraits, full-body.
+ To finish my zine, which should be complete VERY soon. I keep saying that but it’s almost done.
+ To begin writing my novel. It’s been in my head forever.
+ To have as much intense, passionate sex as possible.
+ To read more books than blogs or FB posts.
+ To intricately chronicle my life in my journal (I have been doing this, it is wonderful – I always have, but not in such exquisite detail).
+ To stay on a fruity diet, as that is when I feel best. A fancy raw-food diet is easy for me now.
+ To work on my comic.
+ To rid myself of even more STUFF.
+ Write, write, write, write, write.
It seems like a lot, but these are things I want to do with my life, and things i CAN do, especially if I eliminate a lot of distractions. Also, I don’t expect myself to DO all of this in a year. Just start. Just move forward with them all. Then in 10 years or whatever, forever, it will all add up and I will have a lot to show for it.
I have other things I plan on changing, in all other areas of my life. So much needs to change, because I want to align with who I am, totally, utterly. Don’t you?
Wants are going to fizzle out, or go nowhere, without WHYS.
What do you want? Why do you want it?
I always wanted to be happier, healthier, fitter – but I never stuck to it until I had a real reason, and one that was really important to me – or even a life or death thing, like changing my diet.
I had no degenerative disease (that I know of, but things percolate for years before showing up, usually) but I was so mentally distressed that I was at a point of wanting to kill myself, which had never crossed my mind before. I didn’t really want to die but sometimes it was so incessant that I really believed I did.
So there was my reason – I wanted to live, and in order to do that, I had to get healthy, and I knew my diet was the place to start.
But now, my goal is to be even healthier. In fact, last night I realized my goal was to be “Healthy as FUCK.”
But why? Why am I suddenly able to stick to an exercise routine, especially jogging/running which tends to bore me after 5 minutes? I can push past it now and enjoy it.
This is a really good thing to break down for ANY aspiration you may have – be like an obnoxious toddler and ask WHY until you get to the DEEPEST reason.
I already know why I want to eat well. So, why do I want to be fit?
To be healthier, leaner, stronger, more youthful. For longevity.
Why?
So I can live longer to experience more. So I can say YES to anything and be able to keep up. So I can look great for a very long time. So I will be self-sufficient and mobile until I die. So I can escape people who want to harm me. So I can be capable and independent.
Why?
So I can experience more. To be happy. So I can take part in more things without getting tired. Self-confidence.
Why?
So I feel like I am really living.
Why?
To feel free.
Generally all my goals come down to the same thing: Freedom.
And why do I want freedom? Because I want to really live – this flips back and forth: really living, freedom, really living, freedom, etc.
So I know those are my base reasons for doing pretty much everything.
I learned this method a long time ago in a little class I took, and we ended up writing our “Why” words on wooden boards (mine was Freedom), and then over a half hour we revved ourselves up and learned how to break the boards with our hands. Once you do that, you feel like you can do anything! I kept that board for years, and it was a good reminder that my ultimate goal was freedom, so I can do all the things I REALLY love to do.
I am not completely free – true freedom in North America is a complete illusion – but I am definitely on my way, and I have a lot more freedom than most people I know, because I focus on it.
To know the WHY is a good way to figure out if your desires and pursuits are even worthy of your time. Your base reasons may be completely frivolous and you won’t even know it – you may realize that you want something for such a backwards reason – like buying shoes because you want to be loved, or wanting to go sky-diving so people think you are brave, but those are not really things you want to do for your SELF.
Getting Tattooed, Dec.22/12 – My Birthday.
of her own therapy, and it is poignant – I love the word poignant).
